A Boy and His Truck
Tonight I almost traded in my 4Runner which I’ve had for 6 years for a car with better gas mileage to combat Atlanta traffic on a daily basis. In the past few weeks I have test driven a variety of cars and tonight the salesmen almost had me sold on an Acura TL. Then they came in with the trade in value for the 4Runner which was much less than I expected and it was all because of dents and dings on the exterior. As the salesmen pointed to each one I realized that each one had a story.
Salesmen: “Well how did you get this one?
Me: “Well I lived next to a golf course my sophomore year of college and that one is the result o someone’s bad hook off of the 7th tee.”
Salesmen: “And how about this one here?”
Me: “Well that one was from Lake Sardis outside of Oxford, Ms. I must have gotten this 4runner stuck in the mud and sand there 100 times. There is probably still sand from Sardis inside come think of it. We were playing a football game out there one spring afternoon and one hefty fraternity brother tackled another hefty fraternity brother right into my 4Runner and that’s where the dent comes from. I believe my buddy’s head is undentable.”
Salesmen: “What about the stain on the front passenger seat?”
Me: “Well that’s a coffee stain”…
Well…That’s what I told the salesmen but there is more to it than that. That coffee was spilled one morning in the spring of 2007. It was spilled in one of the few times in my life I had ever been nervous. I was dating a girl, who happened to be the first love of my life, and it was the morning her family was in town and it was the first time I would meet her dad. I was living in the fraternity house at the time and grabbed some coffee as I headed out the door, hopped into my 4Runner and began to make my way over to Sorority Row, which was a minute-and-a-half drive max. Well in that minute in a half I answered a call from the girl and because I was nervous I spilled coffee everywhere. Not just on the passenger seat but all over me, my khaki pants, my white polo shirt, and the console of the 4Runner. I then had to drive back to the fraternity house, change clothes, try to clean my car and then head over again. It was the only time in the ENTIRE time we dated I was ever late. She on the other hand, along with every girl I dated before her and every date I ever had after was late every single time. When I got over to her sorority house I had to insist that she drive..which she never did because my 4Runner still wreaked of coffee and was still wet all over.
That made me think, that car was also the place where we had our first kiss. There’s also a dent in the side for the 4Runner from my right fist the night we broke up for good.
Salesmen: “What’s the stain in the very back of the car?”
Me: “Uhh…another spill.”
Again not entirely true….One night in the fraternity house we were all having a great time at a band party. Until…some idiot pulled a fire alarm. Security from the party made everyone leave the house. Before they did however, a few buddies of mine and myself grabbed a few bottles of bourbon from the party and of course…our dates. We all then went and sat in my 4Runner. I DID NOT DRIVE!! I did not even turn the car on so don’t go there. I have never driven drunk and never will. We did however sit in the 4Runner for about an hour that night drinking bourbon and continuing the party well on after it ended. Until a drunk girl in the back, let me rephrase..VERY drunk girl in the back broke that bottle of bourbon somehow and it’s spilled everywhere. My 4Runner smelled like a shot of Makers Mark for the next 3 months.
Driving home from the dealership tonight I decided that I wouldn’t trade in my 4Runner. Sure I’ll be buying another car but it will be with a larger down payment and no trade in. If worse comes to worse the 4Runner can stay at our Mountain house in NC and be used as a hunting/fishing car. I’ll damn sure take the collision off of the insurance now that I know what it is truly worth but I’m keeping it all the same. I have too many memories and too much history with that dinged up metal beast to ever trade it in or let someone else own it. I caused a lot of the dings and dents sure but that truck has also been there for the dings and dents in my life. Whether it was a bad break up with a first love, realizing you were going to make a C in a class, getting hailed on while driving back from Chicago after driving to see a buddy run a marathon. It was there through it all.
I’m a boy and I love my damn truck.
Monday, November 29, 2010
Sunday, November 7, 2010
I'm a smartass..sorry?
Many times people wonder how to make up a joke or tell a funny story. The truth is you really never have to make anything up. Real life is crazier and funnier than anything any of us can come up with in our heads. I’m a smartass by nature, and sometimes I don’t really intend for things to be funny but others around me definitely see them that way.
For example: last week it was 7am and I was at the dry cleaners. I had been going to this cleaners for a few months but had never noticed the name. How often does a dry cleaners go by something different than “Dry Cleaning”? Anyways, the name of my Dry Cleaners is “Personal Touch Cleaners” and if you don’t believe me it’s located on Powers Ferry Rd in Atlanta next to a Jersey Mikes and a Caribou Coffee. Realizing this and being the smartass that I am I told the nice lady who works there, who speaks very broken English, that “I would prefer more of a commercial touch this time. I’m not really a personal touch kind of guy with strangers”. The lady had the most confused look on her face and really had no idea what I had said. I was just being myself trying to make the lady laugh. She didn’t…at all. However, the two people behind me, a 40 yr old man and a lady probably in her thirties, were dying. You would have thought I had said the funniest thing on Earth. The lady then proceeded to tell me she was having an awful day and that I had put her in the best mood. So I don’t feel too bad about my smartass comment.
Another funny thing happened this weekend, I woke up on Saturday and headed to Starbucks of course. I threw on some jeans, my Patagonia fleece and a hat. The hat said “Ole Miss” and below that “Alumni”. A lady in line asked me “Are you an Ole Miss Alumni?”…Now normally I would have said “yes” and said “Hotty Toddy” hoping that they were an Ole Miss grad as well. But this lady was wearing an LSU shirt. If you know anything about Ole Miss you know that we don’t get along with LSU fans. I despise them. In Mississippi every time the National Anthem is played it ends with “GO TO HELL LSU!!!”. This being the case I decided to once again be a smartass. In response to her question I simply with the most serious face I could make, “No I got this hat at Goodwill.” The lady feeling bad said “oh…you looked like an Ole Miss grad” to which I replied, “Nope, I buy all my clothes at Goodwill”. She responded with, “yea you can get some great deals there”. I said, “Yea! Especially the underwear! I buy all my underwear at Goodwill. You can get 5 pairs for a dollar!”..She then got a little angry and said “You don’t really buy used underwear that other people have worn..that is disgusting!”. I responded, “Ma’am I would rather wear underwear worn by 50 people and never washed than to ever under any circumstances wear an LSU shirt!” Everyone behind us in line died laughing. The lady walked out without her coffee. Normally I’d feel bad but it was an LSU fan and they asked a dumbass question to the wrong smartass Ole Miss grad
For example: last week it was 7am and I was at the dry cleaners. I had been going to this cleaners for a few months but had never noticed the name. How often does a dry cleaners go by something different than “Dry Cleaning”? Anyways, the name of my Dry Cleaners is “Personal Touch Cleaners” and if you don’t believe me it’s located on Powers Ferry Rd in Atlanta next to a Jersey Mikes and a Caribou Coffee. Realizing this and being the smartass that I am I told the nice lady who works there, who speaks very broken English, that “I would prefer more of a commercial touch this time. I’m not really a personal touch kind of guy with strangers”. The lady had the most confused look on her face and really had no idea what I had said. I was just being myself trying to make the lady laugh. She didn’t…at all. However, the two people behind me, a 40 yr old man and a lady probably in her thirties, were dying. You would have thought I had said the funniest thing on Earth. The lady then proceeded to tell me she was having an awful day and that I had put her in the best mood. So I don’t feel too bad about my smartass comment.
Another funny thing happened this weekend, I woke up on Saturday and headed to Starbucks of course. I threw on some jeans, my Patagonia fleece and a hat. The hat said “Ole Miss” and below that “Alumni”. A lady in line asked me “Are you an Ole Miss Alumni?”…Now normally I would have said “yes” and said “Hotty Toddy” hoping that they were an Ole Miss grad as well. But this lady was wearing an LSU shirt. If you know anything about Ole Miss you know that we don’t get along with LSU fans. I despise them. In Mississippi every time the National Anthem is played it ends with “GO TO HELL LSU!!!”. This being the case I decided to once again be a smartass. In response to her question I simply with the most serious face I could make, “No I got this hat at Goodwill.” The lady feeling bad said “oh…you looked like an Ole Miss grad” to which I replied, “Nope, I buy all my clothes at Goodwill”. She responded with, “yea you can get some great deals there”. I said, “Yea! Especially the underwear! I buy all my underwear at Goodwill. You can get 5 pairs for a dollar!”..She then got a little angry and said “You don’t really buy used underwear that other people have worn..that is disgusting!”. I responded, “Ma’am I would rather wear underwear worn by 50 people and never washed than to ever under any circumstances wear an LSU shirt!” Everyone behind us in line died laughing. The lady walked out without her coffee. Normally I’d feel bad but it was an LSU fan and they asked a dumbass question to the wrong smartass Ole Miss grad
Tuesday, October 19, 2010
Craziest Dream of All Time
I normally never remember my dreams. In fact, sometimes I think I don’t dream at all. However, a few weeks ago I had the craziest dream of my life. I don’t know if I ate some weird chili before going to bed or if someone slipped me drugs that night but when I woke up the next morning the only thing I could say was “WHAT THE HELL?” That was really the only thing I could say. Never in a million years could someone write the dream that I had. After telling this to some of my friends they told me that I should add it to my blog. So hear it is.
Craziest Dream of All Time
The dream started out in an office. Apparently I was some kind of Engineer and there were blueprints everywhere, on the desk, on the floors, on the walls, even the ceiling. I was sitting at a desk with a hard hat on it looking at blue prints and drinking coffee when someone ran in the door screaming at me.
Other Person: “What have you done??!! How could you be so dumb?”
Me: “What in the world are you talking about?”
Other Person: “The new rollercoaster you designed! You made the height limit 48 inches! We are in OZ! The majority of the population are munchkins! None of them are tall enough to ride the roller coaster! They’ve seen all of the advertisements for weeks now and about 300 have been waiting in line to ride it all day and none of them are tall enough to do so! They are major PISSED!”
Me: “What? No one told me what height to make the seats. Aren’t their other people here that can ride it?”
Other Person: “Nope. I’d get out of here if I was you. There is a mob of munchkins on there way over here and they want your ass friend!”
Sure enough when I looked out the window in my dream I saw a mob of munchkins with pitchforks and torches making their way towards me. They were all dressed just like in the movie. There was no Dorothy, no Scarecrow, no Tin Man, no Witch, not even the Wizard just a bunch of three foot tall humans royally pissed off.
It was at this point in the dream that I started running, running hard as hell, and down the yellow brick road of course. There was no lolliop guild welcoming me to munchkin land, all of the sudden the munchkins had muskets and were firing at me as I ran. Why the didn’t have other guns I don’t know they just had muskets.
Finally I woke up in a sweat and after a few minutes said “WHAT THE HELL?”. It was by far the weirdest dream of all time. If there are any dream-interpreters out there that can tell me what this means please do so. I can never watch the Wizard of Oz again.
Craziest Dream of All Time
The dream started out in an office. Apparently I was some kind of Engineer and there were blueprints everywhere, on the desk, on the floors, on the walls, even the ceiling. I was sitting at a desk with a hard hat on it looking at blue prints and drinking coffee when someone ran in the door screaming at me.
Other Person: “What have you done??!! How could you be so dumb?”
Me: “What in the world are you talking about?”
Other Person: “The new rollercoaster you designed! You made the height limit 48 inches! We are in OZ! The majority of the population are munchkins! None of them are tall enough to ride the roller coaster! They’ve seen all of the advertisements for weeks now and about 300 have been waiting in line to ride it all day and none of them are tall enough to do so! They are major PISSED!”
Me: “What? No one told me what height to make the seats. Aren’t their other people here that can ride it?”
Other Person: “Nope. I’d get out of here if I was you. There is a mob of munchkins on there way over here and they want your ass friend!”
Sure enough when I looked out the window in my dream I saw a mob of munchkins with pitchforks and torches making their way towards me. They were all dressed just like in the movie. There was no Dorothy, no Scarecrow, no Tin Man, no Witch, not even the Wizard just a bunch of three foot tall humans royally pissed off.
It was at this point in the dream that I started running, running hard as hell, and down the yellow brick road of course. There was no lolliop guild welcoming me to munchkin land, all of the sudden the munchkins had muskets and were firing at me as I ran. Why the didn’t have other guns I don’t know they just had muskets.
Finally I woke up in a sweat and after a few minutes said “WHAT THE HELL?”. It was by far the weirdest dream of all time. If there are any dream-interpreters out there that can tell me what this means please do so. I can never watch the Wizard of Oz again.
Wednesday, September 29, 2010
MY FUNERAL
My Funeral
Recently I heard that you only get to have 2 things in your life exactly the way you want them: wedding and funeral.
Seeing as how I date bossy girls I know that I will have no control over my wedding whatsoever at all. However, I am going to have my funeral exactly the way I want it.
You may think this is weird but funerals are a big deal in the Goddard family. A few months ago my cousin John became a 6th generation funeral director. The Goddard family owned Goddard Funeral Home in the metropolis of Reynolds, GA up until the early 1990s.
When all of you arrive at my funeral you will all be handed a free ice cold Coca-Cola for your enjoyment. I love a coke more than any other beverage on earth and being from Georgia there really isn’t any other soft drink out there. If you drink a pepsi the day of my funeral I will probably roll over in my grave.
There will also be boiled peanuts everywhere you look at my funeral for your enjoyment. I have been deathly allergic to peanuts my entire life and family or friends have never been able to eat them around me. At my funeral, EAT UP! I’m dead so I want everyone to eat a million peanuts. Even throw them in my casket at that point I don’t care!
Instead of a preacher getting up there consoling people crying about death I want all of my friends, fraternity brothers, and some family to take a few minutes go up there and roast me. I want them all to tell an extremely embarrassing/funny memory about me. Tell awful things that’s no one knows that will make elderly people blush. I’ll be dead so I’m not too worried about being embarrassed.
If it’s summertime when I die please feel free to wear shorts and a t-shirt. I hate wearing a suit when its hot so I don’t expect anyone else to.
As you leave my funeral please feel free to enjoy some good food. Zaxby’s, KFC, Philly Connection, Gallas Pizza, Taylor Grocery (catfish), and Handy Andys (burgers) will all be catering. There will also be a cash bar (which will go towards paying for my funeral), dance floor, and live music. That’s the way I would have wanted to go out drunk dancing to Don’t Stop Believing, playing an air piano to Superstion, singing every word to C’mon Ride this train, dancing with a smoking hot girl to Dixieland Delight, swing dancing to Brown Eyed Girl, and towards the end of the night busting my chin wide open trying to do the worm. That’s how I want to go out people.
My headstone will read:
Mitchell Chandler Goddard
1985 – TBD
“Been here, now gone. Had a good time.”
“ Hotty Toddy!! GO TO HELL LSU!!!”
Won’t see y’all there so have a great time!!
Recently I heard that you only get to have 2 things in your life exactly the way you want them: wedding and funeral.
Seeing as how I date bossy girls I know that I will have no control over my wedding whatsoever at all. However, I am going to have my funeral exactly the way I want it.
You may think this is weird but funerals are a big deal in the Goddard family. A few months ago my cousin John became a 6th generation funeral director. The Goddard family owned Goddard Funeral Home in the metropolis of Reynolds, GA up until the early 1990s.
When all of you arrive at my funeral you will all be handed a free ice cold Coca-Cola for your enjoyment. I love a coke more than any other beverage on earth and being from Georgia there really isn’t any other soft drink out there. If you drink a pepsi the day of my funeral I will probably roll over in my grave.
There will also be boiled peanuts everywhere you look at my funeral for your enjoyment. I have been deathly allergic to peanuts my entire life and family or friends have never been able to eat them around me. At my funeral, EAT UP! I’m dead so I want everyone to eat a million peanuts. Even throw them in my casket at that point I don’t care!
Instead of a preacher getting up there consoling people crying about death I want all of my friends, fraternity brothers, and some family to take a few minutes go up there and roast me. I want them all to tell an extremely embarrassing/funny memory about me. Tell awful things that’s no one knows that will make elderly people blush. I’ll be dead so I’m not too worried about being embarrassed.
If it’s summertime when I die please feel free to wear shorts and a t-shirt. I hate wearing a suit when its hot so I don’t expect anyone else to.
As you leave my funeral please feel free to enjoy some good food. Zaxby’s, KFC, Philly Connection, Gallas Pizza, Taylor Grocery (catfish), and Handy Andys (burgers) will all be catering. There will also be a cash bar (which will go towards paying for my funeral), dance floor, and live music. That’s the way I would have wanted to go out drunk dancing to Don’t Stop Believing, playing an air piano to Superstion, singing every word to C’mon Ride this train, dancing with a smoking hot girl to Dixieland Delight, swing dancing to Brown Eyed Girl, and towards the end of the night busting my chin wide open trying to do the worm. That’s how I want to go out people.
My headstone will read:
Mitchell Chandler Goddard
1985 – TBD
“Been here, now gone. Had a good time.”
“ Hotty Toddy!! GO TO HELL LSU!!!”
Won’t see y’all there so have a great time!!
Wednesday, July 14, 2010
Mitchisms
It has been quite sometime since I have written a blog for “Life’s a Mitch Ain’t it?". Recently I have had people request I write one about my “Mitch sayings”. I tend to use unique phrases to express things that most have never said before. I am going to list a few on the blog as well as explain how and where they should be used.
That guy is “about as cool as finding out you have aids on your birthday”.
“As cool as finding out you have aids on your birthday” came from my Fraternity days, particularly Rush. It was something I would write on the boards about a kid that had literally no chance of getting in the fraternity at Ole Miss. It was comic relief for bid sessions that lasted past 3 am sometimes. I now use it on a daily basis for situations such as: spilling coffee on your shirt, traffic, Mondays, and assholes. All of those things are about as cool as finding out you have aids on your birthday.
That girl is so ugly, she’d “scare a buzzard off a gut truck”.
This came from me scoping out girls in college. If one was really really ugly I would use this phrase. Buzzards prey on dead beings and love to eat guts. A gut truck would be a literal heaven for a buzzard, so if they were scared off of one it would have to be something really bad. I now use this phrase to describe people’s breath in the morning, meetings, the though of seeing Twilight, and being a vegetarian They would all scare a buzzard off a gut truck.
I used to say “that’s what she said 20 times a day”. After five or so years it has grown old, so now when someone says, “Mitch, it’s a pleasure to work with you” I respond with “That’s what you said last night”. It’s a lot of fun and gets me through the day. You can also say, “that’s not what you said last night” if someone says “you’re just not working fast enough”.
When someone says “Mitch you really embarrassed me back there” I tend to respond with “I feel as bad as a 5 year old that crapped his pants on a playground”. I use this phrase to show embarrassment or to apologize for a mistake. At five years old that is the biggest mistake you can possibly make and the worst place to do it. I now use it in apologies.
That guy is “about as cool as finding out you have aids on your birthday”.
“As cool as finding out you have aids on your birthday” came from my Fraternity days, particularly Rush. It was something I would write on the boards about a kid that had literally no chance of getting in the fraternity at Ole Miss. It was comic relief for bid sessions that lasted past 3 am sometimes. I now use it on a daily basis for situations such as: spilling coffee on your shirt, traffic, Mondays, and assholes. All of those things are about as cool as finding out you have aids on your birthday.
That girl is so ugly, she’d “scare a buzzard off a gut truck”.
This came from me scoping out girls in college. If one was really really ugly I would use this phrase. Buzzards prey on dead beings and love to eat guts. A gut truck would be a literal heaven for a buzzard, so if they were scared off of one it would have to be something really bad. I now use this phrase to describe people’s breath in the morning, meetings, the though of seeing Twilight, and being a vegetarian They would all scare a buzzard off a gut truck.
I used to say “that’s what she said 20 times a day”. After five or so years it has grown old, so now when someone says, “Mitch, it’s a pleasure to work with you” I respond with “That’s what you said last night”. It’s a lot of fun and gets me through the day. You can also say, “that’s not what you said last night” if someone says “you’re just not working fast enough”.
When someone says “Mitch you really embarrassed me back there” I tend to respond with “I feel as bad as a 5 year old that crapped his pants on a playground”. I use this phrase to show embarrassment or to apologize for a mistake. At five years old that is the biggest mistake you can possibly make and the worst place to do it. I now use it in apologies.
Sunday, February 28, 2010
The Tantrum
The Tantrum
One of my favorite things to do is to watch people in public places. I wish that they had a bench at the end of every grocery store isle so I could just sit and watch the people as they. It is by far the best entertainment in the greater Atlanta area.
Today I was in my local Kroger and I saw a tantrum by a 3 yr old boy that puts every tantrum I ever performed as a child to utter shame. I don’t know what his mother wouldn’t let him put in the cart but needless to say this kid was pissed off beyond belief. Apparently his parents didn’t use good language around him because he sounded like he lived in fraternity house sending expletives flying down the cereal isle for Captain Crunch and Dig ‘Ems inncocent ears to hear. He then proceeded to do the classic “lay on the ground and kick my legs in the air and scream at the top of my lungs” routine. However, his mother fought this with the classic “walk over your child, continue shopping and ignore them” routine. This tactic normally works but this kid had a new strategy up his sleave, he stood up and started throwing boxes of cereal on the ground and then jumping on them. The boxes weree mainly off of the first shelf because that is the only shelf he should reach. He was a considerate kid and threw the bad cereals such as “Total” and “Life” on the ground first. Store managers are smart and put the better cereals such as “Captain Crunch”, “Smacks”, “Lucky Charms”, “Fruit Loops”, and “Cinnamon Toast Crunch” on higher shelves so that these crown jewels of the breakfast world are kept safe. The mother then rushed and picked the son up left her cart and stormed out of the isle. I quickly followed to catch the end of the this epic tantrum. I thought the kid was about to get a beating right in front of the check out isle, but he had a trick up his sleave that I never used as a child. As his mother was setting him down to start the beating this kid threw up all over the place…including all over his mother. It was with this that everyone dispersed because the smell was quite terrible. I don’t exactly know what happened after that but I do know one thing…it will be a very very long time before I have kids.
Sunday, January 31, 2010
Bucket List
Bucket List
Things to do before I die..
1. Go back to Oxford and the Grove for every football game that I can for the rest of my life.
2. Read War and Peace
3. Date a normal girl
4. Go to the baseball Hall of Fame
5. Play St. Andrews in Scotland
6. Go under the sea in a submarine
7. Fly fish in Jackson Hole
8. Rock Climb and Mtn bike in Utah
9. Learn to play stairway to heaven on the guitar
10. See a penguin in the wild
11. Eat every meal for a week at The Varisty
12. Write a novel
13. Go on a Safari in Africa
14. Grow a beard
15. Hike the Appalachian trail
16. Sing “C’mon Ride This Train” in Karaoke
17. Eat as many crawfish as I possibly can every spring
18. Spend more time at the Mtn house in NC
19. Eat an entire bucket of KFC fried chicken in one sitting
20. Fly somewhere for a day and then fly back
21. Go to Fenway Park
22. Take a homeless person or a person in need out for a really nice dinner.
23. Give a random kid a $100 bill
24. Try a Chicago style pizza
25. Go to Philadelphia to eat a Cheesesteak
26. Meet Norman H. Schwarzkopf
27. Go back and tell off all of my professors that treated their students like crap
28. See a football game at every SEC school
29. Catch a Marlin
30. Learn to fly
31. Be a dad (one day, not soon)
32. Throw an entire bucket of popcorn behind me in a movie theatre on whoever and act like I don’t know what they are talking about.
33. Bobsled
34. Train a hunting dog
35. Learn to cook Lobster
36. Learn to smoke ribs
37. Watch an episode of the Jerffersons, Ive never seen one
38. Build a boat and sail it
39. Take a girl to Waffle House for a date…just to see if shes stuck up
40. Drive a Ferrari
41. Have a jar of just red jolly ranchers (the best)
42. Order sweet tea with just about every meal
43. Eat Catfish at Taylor Grocery in Taylor, Ms at least 5 times a year
44. Own a hibachi grill in my home and learn to cook like those guys
45. Play an entire round of golf with lefty clubs
46. Buy a stranger a coke when they are obviously in a bad mood
47. Contribute to the Make a Wish Foundation
48. Visit St. Jude at least once a year so that I never complain about my life
Things to do before I die..
1. Go back to Oxford and the Grove for every football game that I can for the rest of my life.
2. Read War and Peace
3. Date a normal girl
4. Go to the baseball Hall of Fame
5. Play St. Andrews in Scotland
6. Go under the sea in a submarine
7. Fly fish in Jackson Hole
8. Rock Climb and Mtn bike in Utah
9. Learn to play stairway to heaven on the guitar
10. See a penguin in the wild
11. Eat every meal for a week at The Varisty
12. Write a novel
13. Go on a Safari in Africa
14. Grow a beard
15. Hike the Appalachian trail
16. Sing “C’mon Ride This Train” in Karaoke
17. Eat as many crawfish as I possibly can every spring
18. Spend more time at the Mtn house in NC
19. Eat an entire bucket of KFC fried chicken in one sitting
20. Fly somewhere for a day and then fly back
21. Go to Fenway Park
22. Take a homeless person or a person in need out for a really nice dinner.
23. Give a random kid a $100 bill
24. Try a Chicago style pizza
25. Go to Philadelphia to eat a Cheesesteak
26. Meet Norman H. Schwarzkopf
27. Go back and tell off all of my professors that treated their students like crap
28. See a football game at every SEC school
29. Catch a Marlin
30. Learn to fly
31. Be a dad (one day, not soon)
32. Throw an entire bucket of popcorn behind me in a movie theatre on whoever and act like I don’t know what they are talking about.
33. Bobsled
34. Train a hunting dog
35. Learn to cook Lobster
36. Learn to smoke ribs
37. Watch an episode of the Jerffersons, Ive never seen one
38. Build a boat and sail it
39. Take a girl to Waffle House for a date…just to see if shes stuck up
40. Drive a Ferrari
41. Have a jar of just red jolly ranchers (the best)
42. Order sweet tea with just about every meal
43. Eat Catfish at Taylor Grocery in Taylor, Ms at least 5 times a year
44. Own a hibachi grill in my home and learn to cook like those guys
45. Play an entire round of golf with lefty clubs
46. Buy a stranger a coke when they are obviously in a bad mood
47. Contribute to the Make a Wish Foundation
48. Visit St. Jude at least once a year so that I never complain about my life
The Exes Blog Reposted
After a few requests I figured I would repost this blog from last July. Hopefully it will bring a few laughs again.
The Exes Blog
I have received a few messages and calls about wanting me to write a blog about exes, my exes in particular, so here it is.How did I do this? well I listened to some of my friends tell their favorite stories about my experiences with girlfriends and made a list from that. Then I added my own and picked out a few that were entertaining but really not all that terrible. Some things just can’t be written on this blog. The really funny thing is that I KNOW that some of the girls I’m going to write about read this blog on a daily basis. The phone calls tomorrow should be pleasant.
There are many different kinds of exes, mostly for me there are ones I just don’t care to hear from ever again. Which is a funny thing. I recently heard someone say that it is very ironic that the person we want to be around the most, all the time at one point in our life is many times the person we eventually hate more than anyone else in the world. Sadly in many failed relationships this is the case. How many girls have I dated? How many exes do I really have? I honestly don’t know. I can however honestly say that I have only loved one girl in my life. This would be the “one that got away because you were a dumb kid in college” ex. This was the kind of girl that was just fun to be around, you could talk to hours on the phone, fun to go out with, fun to joke with, and she was even fun to fight with. I loved everything about her. But as mentioned before I was a very very dumb and immature kid in college and messed it all up. And I, not her I think, suffered the worst in the end because of my own dumb actions. If she ever reads this, you were right and I was wrong. I’m very sorry and you deserve a whole lot better. She’s probably the only person on this Earth I will ever say that to. I hear she is very happy now and I wish her all the best in life.
Now onto the other exes…most of them are straight up crazy and I would never want to talk to again. Unlike the ex mentioned before who I would love to one day be able to talk to on the phone just to see how she was. The rest, no way!
I still have a few girls, who I dated years ago, and I mean like 4 or 5 years ago, who I still get calls from and texts from asking why we didn’t work out and if we could give it another shot. After the period of a year if I haven’t answered a call or text, you should probably quit. Go get a life. These are your “persistent exes”. They never give up, they are like telemarketers except there is not a “no call” list you can be put on, it never ends. Many of us think that the cure for the “persistent ex” is to just date someone new, this works for a while but when that falls through you again get the sympathy calls from them. Like water behind a dam, if they find the tiniest crack or the smallest opening they’ll do whatever they can to get through to you. And if you answer the phone or respond to that text just once..and I mean once…you have opened the floodgates my friend and there is no way to restore that dam again.
A good rule of thumb, if a date doesn’t answer after two phone calls over the span of three days, they don’t want to hear from you. Sorry move on. Girls have done this to me, I don’t blame them, I do it all the time so I don’t judge. Just don’t answer. And if they don’t answer quit calling. The way to someone’s heart is not 15 calls and 20 texts before noon the morning after the first date asking why he hasn’t called yet. Yes, this really did happen. If she’s reading this…you really need help. Do you know what that does to us guys girls? It freaks us out, we head for the hills. We wont even think about asking another girl out for months.
One of my friend’s favorite stories involves the “embarrassing drunk” ex. Now this girl was a sweetheart who would really help out anyone at anytime, but…..she couldn’t handle alcohol to save her life. It was the fall of my junior year at Ole Miss and I was living in the Fraternity house. I had really started to like this girl, we had fun all of the time and she came from a good family. Then my parents and some of their friends came over for the Ole Miss v. UGA game. It was a night game and I believe she along with most people started drinking in The Grove at about 9 am. By 3 pm she was hammered. I had a lot of friends and family in town and I was busy talking to them when I overheard this girl say this to my mother “Yea..I had a lot to drink last night so I just stayed at the ATO house…but we didn’t do anything”. Which was true, she slept on the couch. Why she chose to share this information with my mother I will never know..anything other than that would have been better. As she said this I literally felt my soul leave me when I looked at my mother. My sweet little Kindergarten teaching, Sunday School leading mother. Her look to me was as if to say, “You’ve been reduced to this? This is the girl your so crazy about? Don’t even think of bringing her home to Thanksgiving”.I honestly wish the story ended there that day, but it doesn’t. I didn’t get to enjoy the game because one of her friends passed out in the stadium and well I don’t think my date even knew where she was, I did a lot of babysitting. After the game she wanted to go back to the tent to say goodbye to my parents, I was like “ohhhh nooo.. you just sit here with your friends and we will talk later”. As much as I liked that girl, I couldn’t date her anymore after that event. She is now happily married and I wish her all the best.
If you have dated me recently and I cut it off quick and didn’t drag it out breaking up with you or stop speaking to you this next girl is the reason why. I call her the “wrong impression” ex. This girl and I had been dating for 2 months but to tell the truth it was over after three weeks. I just didn’t know how to tell her politely because she was so serious. She had me going to lunch with her grandmother and golfing with her dad, seemed like she was ready to walk down the aisle after a few weeks of dating me. Well the time came and it just couldn’t wait any longer, I timed it perfectly guys, right before Christmas break. It would be at least 3 weeks before I would have to see her and I could avoid phone calls for that long. So I went over to her apartment that Thursday night before leaving to go home for Christmas and told her “I just don’t think this is going to work”. Well, I didn’t get the response I was expecting. A big smile came over her face and she ran up and hugged me. I was thinking in my head this is the most awkward break up I have ever encountered.Then she said “I don’t think this is going to work either, I haven’t for a long time! Being apart for three weeks just isn’t going to work, that’s why I got my dad to book you a spot on our week long cruise with the rest of my family”. It was at this point I knew the break up that was a bout to go down would be one of the worst in history. I was right.After 2 minutes of her having a bear grip around me I said “No….umm…what I meant was…I don’t think us dating is going to work anymore, I just don’t think we are right for each other”. To which..this girl laughed! She said, “quit joking around with me!” . I said, “No…I’m serious.”. It was then that she realized I was being serious and then went completely crazy, crying, screaming, throwing clothes broke a picture of us in a frame. She showed what she had bought for me for Christmas and then threw it against the wall. She literally screamed until she could not breathe. I finally just left and I drove about 90 to get home. We had dated for 2 months and really not even that seriously. I guess she had an idea built up in her head of us that no one else saw especially me.I was on I-20 heading back to Georgia the next day when I got a phone call from a number I had never seen before. It was her dad. Just great right? I was like here comes the shotgun. I better just drive up to Canada. “Mitch..I’m really disappointed you have broken up with my daughter we were looking forward to having you on our trip. From the way she talked I thought you two were really in love. Of course she had a tendency to rush things and manipulate people just like her mother”. It was at this point I realized this guy wasn’t going to hunt me down and kill me. So I said, “Sir..what do you mean? He replied, “Oh hell Mitch..I know my daughter’s crazy, she’s just like her mother. I could never figure out how to break it off and now I’ve been married for 23 years. A divorce now would bankrupt me. From now on as soon as you know it’s not going to work out, make a clean break. Don’t lead anyone on for sake of their feelings, just end it. Or you will end up like me.”That was some of the best advice I ever received. This dad and I still keep in touch through emails and apparently every guy his daughter dates she tries to be engaged to by the second month. She just hasn’t figured it out yet I guess. I hope he gives them the same advice that he gave me.I left a lot of exes out but I’m sure their stories will be told eventually. If offended anyone I’m sorry. I just call them like I see them.
The Exes Blog
I have received a few messages and calls about wanting me to write a blog about exes, my exes in particular, so here it is.How did I do this? well I listened to some of my friends tell their favorite stories about my experiences with girlfriends and made a list from that. Then I added my own and picked out a few that were entertaining but really not all that terrible. Some things just can’t be written on this blog. The really funny thing is that I KNOW that some of the girls I’m going to write about read this blog on a daily basis. The phone calls tomorrow should be pleasant.
There are many different kinds of exes, mostly for me there are ones I just don’t care to hear from ever again. Which is a funny thing. I recently heard someone say that it is very ironic that the person we want to be around the most, all the time at one point in our life is many times the person we eventually hate more than anyone else in the world. Sadly in many failed relationships this is the case. How many girls have I dated? How many exes do I really have? I honestly don’t know. I can however honestly say that I have only loved one girl in my life. This would be the “one that got away because you were a dumb kid in college” ex. This was the kind of girl that was just fun to be around, you could talk to hours on the phone, fun to go out with, fun to joke with, and she was even fun to fight with. I loved everything about her. But as mentioned before I was a very very dumb and immature kid in college and messed it all up. And I, not her I think, suffered the worst in the end because of my own dumb actions. If she ever reads this, you were right and I was wrong. I’m very sorry and you deserve a whole lot better. She’s probably the only person on this Earth I will ever say that to. I hear she is very happy now and I wish her all the best in life.
Now onto the other exes…most of them are straight up crazy and I would never want to talk to again. Unlike the ex mentioned before who I would love to one day be able to talk to on the phone just to see how she was. The rest, no way!
I still have a few girls, who I dated years ago, and I mean like 4 or 5 years ago, who I still get calls from and texts from asking why we didn’t work out and if we could give it another shot. After the period of a year if I haven’t answered a call or text, you should probably quit. Go get a life. These are your “persistent exes”. They never give up, they are like telemarketers except there is not a “no call” list you can be put on, it never ends. Many of us think that the cure for the “persistent ex” is to just date someone new, this works for a while but when that falls through you again get the sympathy calls from them. Like water behind a dam, if they find the tiniest crack or the smallest opening they’ll do whatever they can to get through to you. And if you answer the phone or respond to that text just once..and I mean once…you have opened the floodgates my friend and there is no way to restore that dam again.
A good rule of thumb, if a date doesn’t answer after two phone calls over the span of three days, they don’t want to hear from you. Sorry move on. Girls have done this to me, I don’t blame them, I do it all the time so I don’t judge. Just don’t answer. And if they don’t answer quit calling. The way to someone’s heart is not 15 calls and 20 texts before noon the morning after the first date asking why he hasn’t called yet. Yes, this really did happen. If she’s reading this…you really need help. Do you know what that does to us guys girls? It freaks us out, we head for the hills. We wont even think about asking another girl out for months.
One of my friend’s favorite stories involves the “embarrassing drunk” ex. Now this girl was a sweetheart who would really help out anyone at anytime, but…..she couldn’t handle alcohol to save her life. It was the fall of my junior year at Ole Miss and I was living in the Fraternity house. I had really started to like this girl, we had fun all of the time and she came from a good family. Then my parents and some of their friends came over for the Ole Miss v. UGA game. It was a night game and I believe she along with most people started drinking in The Grove at about 9 am. By 3 pm she was hammered. I had a lot of friends and family in town and I was busy talking to them when I overheard this girl say this to my mother “Yea..I had a lot to drink last night so I just stayed at the ATO house…but we didn’t do anything”. Which was true, she slept on the couch. Why she chose to share this information with my mother I will never know..anything other than that would have been better. As she said this I literally felt my soul leave me when I looked at my mother. My sweet little Kindergarten teaching, Sunday School leading mother. Her look to me was as if to say, “You’ve been reduced to this? This is the girl your so crazy about? Don’t even think of bringing her home to Thanksgiving”.I honestly wish the story ended there that day, but it doesn’t. I didn’t get to enjoy the game because one of her friends passed out in the stadium and well I don’t think my date even knew where she was, I did a lot of babysitting. After the game she wanted to go back to the tent to say goodbye to my parents, I was like “ohhhh nooo.. you just sit here with your friends and we will talk later”. As much as I liked that girl, I couldn’t date her anymore after that event. She is now happily married and I wish her all the best.
If you have dated me recently and I cut it off quick and didn’t drag it out breaking up with you or stop speaking to you this next girl is the reason why. I call her the “wrong impression” ex. This girl and I had been dating for 2 months but to tell the truth it was over after three weeks. I just didn’t know how to tell her politely because she was so serious. She had me going to lunch with her grandmother and golfing with her dad, seemed like she was ready to walk down the aisle after a few weeks of dating me. Well the time came and it just couldn’t wait any longer, I timed it perfectly guys, right before Christmas break. It would be at least 3 weeks before I would have to see her and I could avoid phone calls for that long. So I went over to her apartment that Thursday night before leaving to go home for Christmas and told her “I just don’t think this is going to work”. Well, I didn’t get the response I was expecting. A big smile came over her face and she ran up and hugged me. I was thinking in my head this is the most awkward break up I have ever encountered.Then she said “I don’t think this is going to work either, I haven’t for a long time! Being apart for three weeks just isn’t going to work, that’s why I got my dad to book you a spot on our week long cruise with the rest of my family”. It was at this point I knew the break up that was a bout to go down would be one of the worst in history. I was right.After 2 minutes of her having a bear grip around me I said “No….umm…what I meant was…I don’t think us dating is going to work anymore, I just don’t think we are right for each other”. To which..this girl laughed! She said, “quit joking around with me!” . I said, “No…I’m serious.”. It was then that she realized I was being serious and then went completely crazy, crying, screaming, throwing clothes broke a picture of us in a frame. She showed what she had bought for me for Christmas and then threw it against the wall. She literally screamed until she could not breathe. I finally just left and I drove about 90 to get home. We had dated for 2 months and really not even that seriously. I guess she had an idea built up in her head of us that no one else saw especially me.I was on I-20 heading back to Georgia the next day when I got a phone call from a number I had never seen before. It was her dad. Just great right? I was like here comes the shotgun. I better just drive up to Canada. “Mitch..I’m really disappointed you have broken up with my daughter we were looking forward to having you on our trip. From the way she talked I thought you two were really in love. Of course she had a tendency to rush things and manipulate people just like her mother”. It was at this point I realized this guy wasn’t going to hunt me down and kill me. So I said, “Sir..what do you mean? He replied, “Oh hell Mitch..I know my daughter’s crazy, she’s just like her mother. I could never figure out how to break it off and now I’ve been married for 23 years. A divorce now would bankrupt me. From now on as soon as you know it’s not going to work out, make a clean break. Don’t lead anyone on for sake of their feelings, just end it. Or you will end up like me.”That was some of the best advice I ever received. This dad and I still keep in touch through emails and apparently every guy his daughter dates she tries to be engaged to by the second month. She just hasn’t figured it out yet I guess. I hope he gives them the same advice that he gave me.I left a lot of exes out but I’m sure their stories will be told eventually. If offended anyone I’m sorry. I just call them like I see them.
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