I'm a smartass..sorry?

Many times people wonder how to make up a joke or tell a funny story. The truth is you really never have to make anything up. Real life is crazier and funnier than anything any of us can come up with in our heads. I’m a smartass by nature, and sometimes I don’t really intend for things to be funny but others around me definitely see them that way.

For example: last week it was 7am and I was at the dry cleaners. I had been going to this cleaners for a few months but had never noticed the name. How often does a dry cleaners go by something different than “Dry Cleaning”? Anyways, the name of my Dry Cleaners is “Personal Touch Cleaners” and if you don’t believe me it’s located on Powers Ferry Rd in Atlanta next to a Jersey Mikes and a Caribou Coffee. Realizing this and being the smartass that I am I told the nice lady who works there, who speaks very broken English, that “I would prefer more of a commercial touch this time. I’m not really a personal touch kind of guy with strangers”. The lady had the most confused look on her face and really had no idea what I had said. I was just being myself trying to make the lady laugh. She didn’t…at all. However, the two people behind me, a 40 yr old man and a lady probably in her thirties, were dying. You would have thought I had said the funniest thing on Earth. The lady then proceeded to tell me she was having an awful day and that I had put her in the best mood. So I don’t feel too bad about my smartass comment.

Another funny thing happened this weekend, I woke up on Saturday and headed to Starbucks of course. I threw on some jeans, my Patagonia fleece and a hat. The hat said “Ole Miss” and below that “Alumni”. A lady in line asked me “Are you an Ole Miss Alumni?”…Now normally I would have said “yes” and said “Hotty Toddy” hoping that they were an Ole Miss grad as well. But this lady was wearing an LSU shirt. If you know anything about Ole Miss you know that we don’t get along with LSU fans. I despise them. In Mississippi every time the National Anthem is played it ends with “GO TO HELL LSU!!!”. This being the case I decided to once again be a smartass. In response to her question I simply with the most serious face I could make, “No I got this hat at Goodwill.” The lady feeling bad said “oh…you looked like an Ole Miss grad” to which I replied, “Nope, I buy all my clothes at Goodwill”. She responded with, “yea you can get some great deals there”. I said, “Yea! Especially the underwear! I buy all my underwear at Goodwill. You can get 5 pairs for a dollar!”..She then got a little angry and said “You don’t really buy used underwear that other people have worn..that is disgusting!”. I responded, “Ma’am I would rather wear underwear worn by 50 people and never washed than to ever under any circumstances wear an LSU shirt!” Everyone behind us in line died laughing. The lady walked out without her coffee. Normally I’d feel bad but it was an LSU fan and they asked a dumbass question to the wrong smartass Ole Miss grad