In a previous blog I wrote about the engagement of my cousin Luke and his fiance Drew Watkins. Since their engagement, their engagment video on youtube has received over 100,000 views. Pretty impressive. This last weekend Luke and Drew got married in middle Georgia in a beautiful outdoor wedding. Minus the million gnats buzzing around my face as I stood with other groomsmen watching them recite their vows. But for Luke and Drew, I can deal with gnats and the heat for thirty minutes.
On Thursday night I headed down to Warner Robbins, Ga to help Luke and his family get ready for the wedding stuff. While Luke was writing stuff for the wedding I wrote a quick joke email to a girl I'm walking down the aisle with in a few weeks. She knows me and knows my sense of humor. Well Luke being Luke sent it to the bridesmaid I was supposed to walk down with in his wedding. This girl and I had never met before. She had no clue who I was or what my sense of humor was like. From the letter I knew she would think I was a total Psycho......the letter is below:
Dear bridesmaid walking down the aisle with me,
Here are a few things you should take note of before walking with me on our friends wedding day.
1. Always start off with your left foot, I'm OCD and I absolutely hate starting with the right foot first. And in my opinion the left foot is always more attractive than the right.
2. Please bring some ritz crackers and a juice box for me while walking down the aisle. Sometimes excercise causes an increase in my appetite.
3. Don't breathe with your nose, I don't wear any deodorant because of the iron that it puts in your body.
4. Don't mention anything to do with Sesame Street. I was abducted by a man dressed like big bird when I was 4 years old and have never gotten over it.
5. If you choose to hum..please hum a song by the band "Toto"...if you hum Abba I will promptly tell everyone that you used to date the groom and still have feelings for him
6. Don't tell me who won the WNBA game, I'm an avid fan and will flip out if I find out the score before watching it on Tivo.
7. Don't get emotional and start talking about "The Notebook"...its not like it was "Smoky and the Bandit" or anything...
8. I graduated with an Associates Degree from Phoenix University Online..so....I'm kind of a big deal...people know me.....your quite lucky...
Look forward to celebrating this special day with you
Now After knowing Luke sent this, my heart went out to this girl and I feared the moment I met her..she was going to think I was absolutely insane and prob wouldn't even want to be in the wedding...then later that day I received and email..and at that point I knew that my wit had been matched for the first time in my life...Miss Brittany's reply is as follows....
To the groomsmen....Mitch
My name is Brittany and I am twenty-one. My son Ethan is 15 months old. I attend college majoring in nursing.
1) I am also OCD and I have to start walking with the right foot. So this might become a huge problem.
2)Will not have the pockets to place the ritz crackers and juice boxes for walking down the aisle.
3) In my purse will be a huge bottle of Axe..just in case I need it!
4) Well, my son's favorite show is Sesame Street. And by the way, Elmo is my idol.
5) Currently, I am practicing my lovely humming of ABBA. So be prepared!
6) No worries about the WNBA, I only watch NFL and MLB.
7) I'm not a fan of "The Notebook" and "Smoky and the Bandit" is one of my favorite movies!
8) I will try to make you look good, especially since you are so important!
Touche Brittany....Touche, Touche, Touche...
Sunday, September 20, 2009
Thursday, July 9, 2009
First off, I have greatly enjoyed all of the texts, phone calls, and even a few emails about the last blog. Most of them came from not exes but pissed off exes’ friends…we all know how that works..thanks girls. I don’t even know who this one girl named Rachel was, but the voicemail she left me would make a sailor’s language sound like the Queen’s English…oh yes, and miss Rachel.. “fixin” is not a word…Once again, sorry but I call them how I see them.
Over the past few weeks our neighborhood as been invaded by small rabbits, every night if you walk outside you can see two or three scatter in the backyard. This morning driving through the neighborhood I counted seven, yes seven, dead rabbits in the road that had been hit by cars last night after 4th of July activities. (Random thought..but “Dead Rabbits In The Road” would be an awesome name for a band). We had two dead rabbits near our house and I realized that no one was going to move them. I then decided to do the responsible adult thing and get rid of them myself, there are little kids that ride their bikes and play on that street all the time and I didn’t want them to get some disease from a dead rabbit.
So I grab my shovel and an industrial garbage bag, put on some gloves, and within about three minutes had both of those little guys in the trash bag. Then I had another problem, what do you do with two dead rabbits in a bag in suburban Atlanta? You cant throw them away..the garbage would smell like hell until they came and picked it up. There is really no place to burn them. So what I settled on was burying them in some woods behind our neighborhood. Don’t know if I’m allowed to do that or not, but I did, just trying to protect the kids. So I dug a hole, placed the bag in there, filled it up with dirt, and was about to walk off.
The four year old sensitive kid inside of me came out and I was like “well I guess I should say something”. But this posed a new question, “what the hell do you say at a rabbits funeral”. I mean really “Here’s to hopping on over to the other side?” or “hope there are carrots wherever you are”? Nothing really worked. Which made me think…what do rabbits really do? What is their purpose? I really don’t know if they have one but I gathered through later thought that most rabbits we know of are the subjects of children’s stories. So what kind of lives did these little guys have ( I named them Carl and Hank )? The two little guys in the 50 gallon Hefty bag buried back in the woods never got to realize that dreams . I really wonder what happened on their last day here on Earth?..this is what I came up with…
Carl and Hank were just two good ole rabbits enjoying the 4th of July at their friend Bubba’s burrough. They made their way there earlier that morning through the briar patch and a quick pit stop at Starbucks to pick up a carrot juice latte. Carl stopped at the gas station and picked up three bags of ice for the cooler and two cases of Pabst Orange Carrot. When they reached Bubba’s house they realized they were behind on the festivities. Because their Pabst Orange Carrot was not cold yet because it had just been put on ice. Bubba let them reach in his cooler and they shotgunned three cans of “lucky foot light” to catch up.
This continued for the rest of the day, sure they shot fireworks, played air guitar, whistled at the bunny tail hopping through the briar patch, but mainly these rabbits did what most do on the 4th of July. Later that night Carl and Hank decided to head home. Bubba said, “Man y’all have had way too much, y’all cant hop home.” But they decided to anyways and on North Lakeside Drive they played a deadly game of Frogger that didn’t end so well for them. An expedition with large tires took Carl out first, he was still talking when Hank got to him. Hank tried to tend to his wounds and call for help but a Corvette going 65 ended all those hopes and Carl and Hank were silenced. They were just trying to get home.
So we all learned a valuable lesson from them… Don’t drink and hop..or drive..it results in smelly rotting roadkill in front of my house.
Over the past few weeks our neighborhood as been invaded by small rabbits, every night if you walk outside you can see two or three scatter in the backyard. This morning driving through the neighborhood I counted seven, yes seven, dead rabbits in the road that had been hit by cars last night after 4th of July activities. (Random thought..but “Dead Rabbits In The Road” would be an awesome name for a band). We had two dead rabbits near our house and I realized that no one was going to move them. I then decided to do the responsible adult thing and get rid of them myself, there are little kids that ride their bikes and play on that street all the time and I didn’t want them to get some disease from a dead rabbit.
So I grab my shovel and an industrial garbage bag, put on some gloves, and within about three minutes had both of those little guys in the trash bag. Then I had another problem, what do you do with two dead rabbits in a bag in suburban Atlanta? You cant throw them away..the garbage would smell like hell until they came and picked it up. There is really no place to burn them. So what I settled on was burying them in some woods behind our neighborhood. Don’t know if I’m allowed to do that or not, but I did, just trying to protect the kids. So I dug a hole, placed the bag in there, filled it up with dirt, and was about to walk off.
The four year old sensitive kid inside of me came out and I was like “well I guess I should say something”. But this posed a new question, “what the hell do you say at a rabbits funeral”. I mean really “Here’s to hopping on over to the other side?” or “hope there are carrots wherever you are”? Nothing really worked. Which made me think…what do rabbits really do? What is their purpose? I really don’t know if they have one but I gathered through later thought that most rabbits we know of are the subjects of children’s stories. So what kind of lives did these little guys have ( I named them Carl and Hank )? The two little guys in the 50 gallon Hefty bag buried back in the woods never got to realize that dreams . I really wonder what happened on their last day here on Earth?..this is what I came up with…
Carl and Hank were just two good ole rabbits enjoying the 4th of July at their friend Bubba’s burrough. They made their way there earlier that morning through the briar patch and a quick pit stop at Starbucks to pick up a carrot juice latte. Carl stopped at the gas station and picked up three bags of ice for the cooler and two cases of Pabst Orange Carrot. When they reached Bubba’s house they realized they were behind on the festivities. Because their Pabst Orange Carrot was not cold yet because it had just been put on ice. Bubba let them reach in his cooler and they shotgunned three cans of “lucky foot light” to catch up.
This continued for the rest of the day, sure they shot fireworks, played air guitar, whistled at the bunny tail hopping through the briar patch, but mainly these rabbits did what most do on the 4th of July. Later that night Carl and Hank decided to head home. Bubba said, “Man y’all have had way too much, y’all cant hop home.” But they decided to anyways and on North Lakeside Drive they played a deadly game of Frogger that didn’t end so well for them. An expedition with large tires took Carl out first, he was still talking when Hank got to him. Hank tried to tend to his wounds and call for help but a Corvette going 65 ended all those hopes and Carl and Hank were silenced. They were just trying to get home.
So we all learned a valuable lesson from them… Don’t drink and hop..or drive..it results in smelly rotting roadkill in front of my house.
Thursday, July 2, 2009
"All my exes"
I have received a few messages and calls about wanting me to write a blog about exes, my exes in particular, so here it is.
How did I do this? well I listened to some of my friends tell their favorite stories about my experiences with girlfriends and made a list from that. Then I added my own and picked out a few that were entertaining but really not all that terrible. Some things just can’t be written on this blog. The really funny thing is that I KNOW that some of the girls I’m going to write about read this blog on a daily basis. The phone calls tomorrow should be pleasant.
There are many different kinds of exes, mostly for me there are ones I just don’t care to hear from ever again. Which is a funny thing. I recently heard someone say that it is very ironic that the person we want to be around the most, all the time at one point in our life is many times the person we eventually hate more than anyone else in the world. Sadly in many failed relationships this is the case. How many girls have I dated? How many exes do I really have? I honestly don’t know. I can however honestly say that I have only loved one girl in my life. This would be the “one that got away because you were a dumb kid in college” ex. This was the kind of girl that was just fun to be around, you could talk to hours on the phone, fun to go out with, fun to joke with, and she was even fun to fight with. I loved everything about her. But as mentioned before I was a very very dumb and immature kid in college and messed it all up. And I, not her I think, suffered the worst in the end because of my own dumb actions. If she ever reads this, you were right and I was wrong. I’m very sorry and you deserve a whole lot better. She’s probably the only person on this Earth I will ever say that to. I hear she is very happy now and I wish her all the best in life.
Now onto the other exes…most of them are straight up crazy and I would never want to talk to again. Unlike the ex mentioned before who I would love to one day be able to talk to on the phone just to see how she was. The rest, no way!
I still have a few girls, who I dated years ago, and I mean like 4 or 5 years ago, who I still get calls from and texts from asking why we didn’t work out and if we could give it another shot. After the period of a year if I haven’t answered a call or text, you should probably quit. Go get a life. These are your “persistent exes”. They never give up, they are like telemarketers except there is not a “no call” list you can be put on, it never ends. Many of us think that the cure for the “persistent ex” is to just date someone new, this works for a while but when that falls through you again get the sympathy calls from them. Like water behind a dam, if they find the tiniest crack or the smallest opening they’ll do whatever they can to get through to you. And if you answer the phone or respond to that text just once..and I mean once…you have opened the floodgates my friend and there is no way to restore that dam again.
A good rule of thumb, if a date doesn’t answer after two phone calls over the span of three days, they don’t want to hear from you. Sorry move on. Girls have done this to me, I don’t blame them, I do it all the time so I don’t judge. Just don’t answer. And if they don’t answer quit calling. The way to someone’s heart is not 15 calls and 20 texts before noon the morning after the first date asking why he hasn’t called yet. Yes, this really did happen. If she’s reading this…you really need help. Do you know what that does to us guys girls? It freaks us out, we head for the hills. We wont even think about asking another girl out for months.
One of my friend’s favorite stories involves the “embarrassing drunk” ex. Now this girl was a sweetheart who would really help out anyone at anytime, but…..she couldn’t handle alcohol to save her life. It was the fall of my junior year at Ole Miss and I was living in the Fraternity house. I had really started to like this girl, we had fun all of the time and she came from a good family. Then my parents and some of their friends came over for the Ole Miss v. UGA game. It was a night game and I believe she along with most people started drinking in The Grove at about 9 am. By 3 pm she was hammered. I had a lot of friends and family in town and I was busy talking to them when I overheard this girl say this to my mother “Yea..I had a lot to drink last night so I just stayed at the ATO house…but we didn’t do anything”. Which was true, she slept on the couch. Why she chose to share this information with my mother I will never know..anything other than that would have been better. As she said this I literally felt my soul leave me when I looked at my mother. My sweet little Kindergarten teaching, Sunday School leading mother. Her look to me was as if to say, “You’ve been reduced to this? This is the girl your so crazy about? Don’t even think of bringing her home to Thanksgiving”.
I honestly wish the story ended there that day, but it doesn’t. I didn’t get to enjoy the game because one of her friends passed out in the stadium and well I don’t think my date even knew where she was, I did a lot of babysitting. After the game she wanted to go back to the tent to say goodbye to my parents, I was like “ohhhh nooo.. you just sit here with your friends and we will talk later”. As much as I liked that girl, I couldn’t date her anymore after that event. She is now happily married and I wish her all the best.
If you have dated me recently and I cut it off quick and didn’t drag it out breaking up with you or stop speaking to you this next girl is the reason why. I call her the “wrong impression” ex. This girl and I had been dating for 2 months but to tell the truth it was over after three weeks. I just didn’t know how to tell her politely because she was so serious. She had me going to lunch with her grandmother and golfing with her dad, seemed like she was ready to walk down the aisle after a few weeks of dating me. Well the time came and it just couldn’t wait any longer, I timed it perfectly guys, right before Christmas break. It would be at least 3 weeks before I would have to see her and I could avoid phone calls for that long. So I went over to her apartment that Thursday night before leaving to go home for Christmas and told her “I just don’t think this is going to work”. Well, I didn’t get the response I was expecting. A big smile came over her face and she ran up and hugged me. I was thinking in my head this is the most awkward break up I have ever encountered.
Then she said “I don’t think this is going to work either, I haven’t for a long time! Being apart for three weeks just isn’t going to work, that’s why I got my dad to book you a spot on our week long cruise with the rest of my family”. It was at this point I knew the break up that was a bout to go down would be one of the worst in history. I was right.
After 2 minutes of her having a bear grip around me I said “No….umm…what I meant was…I don’t think us dating is going to work anymore, I just don’t think we are right for each other”. To which..this girl laughed! She said, “quit joking around with me!” . I said, “No…I’m serious.”. It was then that she realized I was being serious and then went completely crazy, crying, screaming, throwing clothes broke a picture of us in a frame. She showed what she had bought for me for Christmas and then threw it against the wall. She literally screamed until she could not breathe. I finally just left and I drove about 90 to get home. We had dated for 2 months and really not even that seriously. I guess she had an idea built up in her head of us that no one else saw especially me.
I was on I-20 heading back to Georgia the next day when I got a phone call from a number I had never seen before. It was her dad. Just great right? I was like here comes the shotgun. I better just drive up to Canada. “Mitch..I’m really disappointed you have broken up with my daughter we were looking forward to having you on our trip. From the way she talked I thought you two were really in love. Of course she had a tendency to rush things and manipulate people just like her mother”. It was at this point I realized this guy wasn’t going to hunt me down and kill me. So I said, “Sir..what do you mean? He replied, “Oh hell Mitch..I know my daughter’s crazy, she’s just like her mother. I could never figure out how to break it off and now I’ve been married for 23 years. A divorce now would bankrupt me. From now on as soon as you know it’s not going to work out, make a clean break. Don’t lead anyone on for sake of their feelings, just end it. Or you will end up like me.”
That was some of the best advice I ever received. This dad and I still keep in touch through emails and apparently every guy his daughter dates she tries to be engaged to by the second month. She just hasn’t figured it out yet I guess. I hope he gives them the same advice that he gave me.
I left a lot of exes out but I’m sure their stories will be told eventually. If offended anyone I’m sorry. I just call them like I see them.
How did I do this? well I listened to some of my friends tell their favorite stories about my experiences with girlfriends and made a list from that. Then I added my own and picked out a few that were entertaining but really not all that terrible. Some things just can’t be written on this blog. The really funny thing is that I KNOW that some of the girls I’m going to write about read this blog on a daily basis. The phone calls tomorrow should be pleasant.
There are many different kinds of exes, mostly for me there are ones I just don’t care to hear from ever again. Which is a funny thing. I recently heard someone say that it is very ironic that the person we want to be around the most, all the time at one point in our life is many times the person we eventually hate more than anyone else in the world. Sadly in many failed relationships this is the case. How many girls have I dated? How many exes do I really have? I honestly don’t know. I can however honestly say that I have only loved one girl in my life. This would be the “one that got away because you were a dumb kid in college” ex. This was the kind of girl that was just fun to be around, you could talk to hours on the phone, fun to go out with, fun to joke with, and she was even fun to fight with. I loved everything about her. But as mentioned before I was a very very dumb and immature kid in college and messed it all up. And I, not her I think, suffered the worst in the end because of my own dumb actions. If she ever reads this, you were right and I was wrong. I’m very sorry and you deserve a whole lot better. She’s probably the only person on this Earth I will ever say that to. I hear she is very happy now and I wish her all the best in life.
Now onto the other exes…most of them are straight up crazy and I would never want to talk to again. Unlike the ex mentioned before who I would love to one day be able to talk to on the phone just to see how she was. The rest, no way!
I still have a few girls, who I dated years ago, and I mean like 4 or 5 years ago, who I still get calls from and texts from asking why we didn’t work out and if we could give it another shot. After the period of a year if I haven’t answered a call or text, you should probably quit. Go get a life. These are your “persistent exes”. They never give up, they are like telemarketers except there is not a “no call” list you can be put on, it never ends. Many of us think that the cure for the “persistent ex” is to just date someone new, this works for a while but when that falls through you again get the sympathy calls from them. Like water behind a dam, if they find the tiniest crack or the smallest opening they’ll do whatever they can to get through to you. And if you answer the phone or respond to that text just once..and I mean once…you have opened the floodgates my friend and there is no way to restore that dam again.
A good rule of thumb, if a date doesn’t answer after two phone calls over the span of three days, they don’t want to hear from you. Sorry move on. Girls have done this to me, I don’t blame them, I do it all the time so I don’t judge. Just don’t answer. And if they don’t answer quit calling. The way to someone’s heart is not 15 calls and 20 texts before noon the morning after the first date asking why he hasn’t called yet. Yes, this really did happen. If she’s reading this…you really need help. Do you know what that does to us guys girls? It freaks us out, we head for the hills. We wont even think about asking another girl out for months.
One of my friend’s favorite stories involves the “embarrassing drunk” ex. Now this girl was a sweetheart who would really help out anyone at anytime, but…..she couldn’t handle alcohol to save her life. It was the fall of my junior year at Ole Miss and I was living in the Fraternity house. I had really started to like this girl, we had fun all of the time and she came from a good family. Then my parents and some of their friends came over for the Ole Miss v. UGA game. It was a night game and I believe she along with most people started drinking in The Grove at about 9 am. By 3 pm she was hammered. I had a lot of friends and family in town and I was busy talking to them when I overheard this girl say this to my mother “Yea..I had a lot to drink last night so I just stayed at the ATO house…but we didn’t do anything”. Which was true, she slept on the couch. Why she chose to share this information with my mother I will never know..anything other than that would have been better. As she said this I literally felt my soul leave me when I looked at my mother. My sweet little Kindergarten teaching, Sunday School leading mother. Her look to me was as if to say, “You’ve been reduced to this? This is the girl your so crazy about? Don’t even think of bringing her home to Thanksgiving”.
I honestly wish the story ended there that day, but it doesn’t. I didn’t get to enjoy the game because one of her friends passed out in the stadium and well I don’t think my date even knew where she was, I did a lot of babysitting. After the game she wanted to go back to the tent to say goodbye to my parents, I was like “ohhhh nooo.. you just sit here with your friends and we will talk later”. As much as I liked that girl, I couldn’t date her anymore after that event. She is now happily married and I wish her all the best.
If you have dated me recently and I cut it off quick and didn’t drag it out breaking up with you or stop speaking to you this next girl is the reason why. I call her the “wrong impression” ex. This girl and I had been dating for 2 months but to tell the truth it was over after three weeks. I just didn’t know how to tell her politely because she was so serious. She had me going to lunch with her grandmother and golfing with her dad, seemed like she was ready to walk down the aisle after a few weeks of dating me. Well the time came and it just couldn’t wait any longer, I timed it perfectly guys, right before Christmas break. It would be at least 3 weeks before I would have to see her and I could avoid phone calls for that long. So I went over to her apartment that Thursday night before leaving to go home for Christmas and told her “I just don’t think this is going to work”. Well, I didn’t get the response I was expecting. A big smile came over her face and she ran up and hugged me. I was thinking in my head this is the most awkward break up I have ever encountered.
Then she said “I don’t think this is going to work either, I haven’t for a long time! Being apart for three weeks just isn’t going to work, that’s why I got my dad to book you a spot on our week long cruise with the rest of my family”. It was at this point I knew the break up that was a bout to go down would be one of the worst in history. I was right.
After 2 minutes of her having a bear grip around me I said “No….umm…what I meant was…I don’t think us dating is going to work anymore, I just don’t think we are right for each other”. To which..this girl laughed! She said, “quit joking around with me!” . I said, “No…I’m serious.”. It was then that she realized I was being serious and then went completely crazy, crying, screaming, throwing clothes broke a picture of us in a frame. She showed what she had bought for me for Christmas and then threw it against the wall. She literally screamed until she could not breathe. I finally just left and I drove about 90 to get home. We had dated for 2 months and really not even that seriously. I guess she had an idea built up in her head of us that no one else saw especially me.
I was on I-20 heading back to Georgia the next day when I got a phone call from a number I had never seen before. It was her dad. Just great right? I was like here comes the shotgun. I better just drive up to Canada. “Mitch..I’m really disappointed you have broken up with my daughter we were looking forward to having you on our trip. From the way she talked I thought you two were really in love. Of course she had a tendency to rush things and manipulate people just like her mother”. It was at this point I realized this guy wasn’t going to hunt me down and kill me. So I said, “Sir..what do you mean? He replied, “Oh hell Mitch..I know my daughter’s crazy, she’s just like her mother. I could never figure out how to break it off and now I’ve been married for 23 years. A divorce now would bankrupt me. From now on as soon as you know it’s not going to work out, make a clean break. Don’t lead anyone on for sake of their feelings, just end it. Or you will end up like me.”
That was some of the best advice I ever received. This dad and I still keep in touch through emails and apparently every guy his daughter dates she tries to be engaged to by the second month. She just hasn’t figured it out yet I guess. I hope he gives them the same advice that he gave me.
I left a lot of exes out but I’m sure their stories will be told eventually. If offended anyone I’m sorry. I just call them like I see them.
Monday, June 29, 2009
After finding out how many people were reading this blog my first thought was, “maybe I should tone down what I write a little bit, I thought only my friends were reading this stuff I’ve been posting”. Well all of those thoughts ceased on Saturday. I was at the pool and somehow a few of us there started talking about the funniest movies we had seen recently, mine being “The Hangover”. Great quotes.. That’s how I rate a movie..by how much I quote it in weeks to come..If you saw it, I bet some of you thought it was sick…your WRONG..but I’ll get to that. Then this lady, probably in her mid thirties, started telling us about a movie she had recently seen. It involved a lot of famous comedians telling one joke. I will not state the name of the movie because you will do what I did and go straight to Blockbuster and rent it. The lady said she had never laughed so hard at a movie in her life, and that we would not be able to breathe while watching it.
Well me being be, I take a shower, get in the car, go to Blockbuster and rent this “movie”. Before I get into this let me preface my background, I have been to 9 bachelor parties, 3 Mardi Gras, Bourbon Street around 20 times, and Beale Street around 50 times. I lived in an all male dorm for a year where nastiness was the norm. I lived in a Fraternity House for a year where you could expect to see anything when you opened a closed door. What could be seen on the tvs in every room was illegal in most states I believe, and things said never had a filter. None of that, and I mean none of it, prepared me for this movie.
Within the first five minutes I literally gagged,and there were no graphics it was just words were doing this to me. What was said was so vile, so nasty, so unthinkable that even Charles Manson would have had to go read Ecclesiastes after hearing two minutes of it. Jeffry Dahmer would of cried for his nanny. Hannibal Lecter would of said “Hello Clarice..I think I’ll take the cyanide now and just end it.” I gave it time and more time, but I was not laughing…neither was the person watching it with me. After 20 minutes with our jaws on the floor and trying not to puke, he looked at me and said “do you really want to watch this?”. To which I replied “Hell no. I think we should burn this so that no one at the store ever has to be put through what we just went through”. I returned the movie and seriously considered seeing an exorcist about what I had seen. I also vowed to try and drown the lady who told me to rent it the next time I saw her. If she really found that funny, she needs to be shot..repeatedly..
It made me start to wonder what makes something funny? For me I think it is the unexpected, like in movies like Borat and Jackass. The unexpected is funny until it is so unexpected it just freaks you out. Like the movie in question. A guy slipping and falling…. funny..That guy being paralyzed from the fall..not funny.. A fart joke..funny…talking about a bowel movement in detail for 10 minutes..not funny..in fact disgusting. I think its great when people are funny, and I like for people to push limits. However, I refuse to respect entertainment, if you can call it that, to which its only asset is shock value. It won’t last.
Well me being be, I take a shower, get in the car, go to Blockbuster and rent this “movie”. Before I get into this let me preface my background, I have been to 9 bachelor parties, 3 Mardi Gras, Bourbon Street around 20 times, and Beale Street around 50 times. I lived in an all male dorm for a year where nastiness was the norm. I lived in a Fraternity House for a year where you could expect to see anything when you opened a closed door. What could be seen on the tvs in every room was illegal in most states I believe, and things said never had a filter. None of that, and I mean none of it, prepared me for this movie.
Within the first five minutes I literally gagged,and there were no graphics it was just words were doing this to me. What was said was so vile, so nasty, so unthinkable that even Charles Manson would have had to go read Ecclesiastes after hearing two minutes of it. Jeffry Dahmer would of cried for his nanny. Hannibal Lecter would of said “Hello Clarice..I think I’ll take the cyanide now and just end it.” I gave it time and more time, but I was not laughing…neither was the person watching it with me. After 20 minutes with our jaws on the floor and trying not to puke, he looked at me and said “do you really want to watch this?”. To which I replied “Hell no. I think we should burn this so that no one at the store ever has to be put through what we just went through”. I returned the movie and seriously considered seeing an exorcist about what I had seen. I also vowed to try and drown the lady who told me to rent it the next time I saw her. If she really found that funny, she needs to be shot..repeatedly..
It made me start to wonder what makes something funny? For me I think it is the unexpected, like in movies like Borat and Jackass. The unexpected is funny until it is so unexpected it just freaks you out. Like the movie in question. A guy slipping and falling…. funny..That guy being paralyzed from the fall..not funny.. A fart joke..funny…talking about a bowel movement in detail for 10 minutes..not funny..in fact disgusting. I think its great when people are funny, and I like for people to push limits. However, I refuse to respect entertainment, if you can call it that, to which its only asset is shock value. It won’t last.
Sunday, June 28, 2009
Thriller
Last Friday a technical minded friend of mine helped me set up a hit counter on this site. The results were very surprising. There are MANY more people following this blog than I thought. From the numbers I can tell that most of you don’t know me, which makes you all crazy stalkers. I’m just kidding, I’m honored to have all of you read this. I hope you laugh and see life a little differently after reading it.
All of you are expecting me to write a blog on Michael Jackson, exploit him for your pleasure. Well I am don’t worry. In all honestly he was one weird weird guy by the end of his life. But as Dave Chapelle said “he made Thriller man….Thriller!”. That album plus the video are some of the coolest pieces of art ever made. If you watch videos from the early eighties you will see that the man could dance like no other. He put Donny Osmond to shame..He created moves that we all tried to recreate in front of the mirror and in the shower. We slipped and fell and hurt our wrists and shot an 83 at the golf tournament we played in the next day. We all made an excuse saying we hurt it “rowing”, c’mon people who rows boats? What was I thinking? Anything would have been better than that. Anyways, we’ve all played air guitar to “Beat it”, tried to do the moonwalk to “Billy Jean”, grabbed our crotch and said “whooo-heee” and “chum –on” and then finished with an “AHHHHHHHHHH” to “Black and White”. We’ve all suffered with trying to change ourselves starting with the “man in the mirror”. So was he weird? Yes. Did he change music and dancing forever? Most definitely. And did his high paid lawyers make the D.A. of Santa Barbara their bitch on two occasions? Hell Yes. I don’t think you have to go to law school to be the D.A. there….seriously…how did he go free from all of that? Anyways, he will be missed like Elvis. I’ll still try to do his moves and fail. It looks better after a few drinks though. I’ll always miss him like an ugly girl misses the prom.
Another sad death this week was overshadowed by M.J.’s and Farah Fawecettes death, that was the death of Mr. Ed McMahon. I loved this guy. I remember being really little and watching Carson with my grandfather, McMahon was famous for “Heeeeres Johnny” and “you are correct, sir”. Phil Hartman did a great impersonation on SNL in the early 90s. Which in college we all got great laughter out of on the “Best of Phil Hartman” dvd… Dana Carvey did the best.... well... the best of anyone really... impersonation, and his Carson was spot on...."That is some weird wild stuff Ed". You should definately check some of those old SNL clips out.... Later in life though, Mr. McMahon really pissed me off. On two occasions I received large checks and baloons from Publishers Clearing House on the steps of my front door. Both times they had the wrong adress. Hence, I’m not living on Jupiter Island right now playing Wii golf with Tiger Woods. Just my luck I guess. Thanks Ed…that money could of really helped in this economy.
And then today…my birthday was ruined…Billy Mays died…I loved this guys commercials, his impact on the infomercial was equal to Michael Jackson’s impact on the Music Video. He put the Sham Wow guy to shame. I will truly miss his commercials. The products really worked too, unlike the damn Slap Chop! Piece of crap...The Sham Wow guy deserved everything that happened...
Hopefully I won’t have to talk about death on this blog for a while. Life is much more fun.
They will all be missed.
All others except “the” nurse disregard the following.
Another quick shout out to the ridiculously gorgeous tall nurse at the clinic..”how you doin?” …….I’m heading to chick fil a…do you like your nuggets with bar b q, ranch, or honey mustard sauce? Have a great day and try not to catch whatever it is that is killing off celebrities left and right.
Last Friday a technical minded friend of mine helped me set up a hit counter on this site. The results were very surprising. There are MANY more people following this blog than I thought. From the numbers I can tell that most of you don’t know me, which makes you all crazy stalkers. I’m just kidding, I’m honored to have all of you read this. I hope you laugh and see life a little differently after reading it.
All of you are expecting me to write a blog on Michael Jackson, exploit him for your pleasure. Well I am don’t worry. In all honestly he was one weird weird guy by the end of his life. But as Dave Chapelle said “he made Thriller man….Thriller!”. That album plus the video are some of the coolest pieces of art ever made. If you watch videos from the early eighties you will see that the man could dance like no other. He put Donny Osmond to shame..He created moves that we all tried to recreate in front of the mirror and in the shower. We slipped and fell and hurt our wrists and shot an 83 at the golf tournament we played in the next day. We all made an excuse saying we hurt it “rowing”, c’mon people who rows boats? What was I thinking? Anything would have been better than that. Anyways, we’ve all played air guitar to “Beat it”, tried to do the moonwalk to “Billy Jean”, grabbed our crotch and said “whooo-heee” and “chum –on” and then finished with an “AHHHHHHHHHH” to “Black and White”. We’ve all suffered with trying to change ourselves starting with the “man in the mirror”. So was he weird? Yes. Did he change music and dancing forever? Most definitely. And did his high paid lawyers make the D.A. of Santa Barbara their bitch on two occasions? Hell Yes. I don’t think you have to go to law school to be the D.A. there….seriously…how did he go free from all of that? Anyways, he will be missed like Elvis. I’ll still try to do his moves and fail. It looks better after a few drinks though. I’ll always miss him like an ugly girl misses the prom.
Another sad death this week was overshadowed by M.J.’s and Farah Fawecettes death, that was the death of Mr. Ed McMahon. I loved this guy. I remember being really little and watching Carson with my grandfather, McMahon was famous for “Heeeeres Johnny” and “you are correct, sir”. Phil Hartman did a great impersonation on SNL in the early 90s. Which in college we all got great laughter out of on the “Best of Phil Hartman” dvd… Dana Carvey did the best.... well... the best of anyone really... impersonation, and his Carson was spot on...."That is some weird wild stuff Ed". You should definately check some of those old SNL clips out.... Later in life though, Mr. McMahon really pissed me off. On two occasions I received large checks and baloons from Publishers Clearing House on the steps of my front door. Both times they had the wrong adress. Hence, I’m not living on Jupiter Island right now playing Wii golf with Tiger Woods. Just my luck I guess. Thanks Ed…that money could of really helped in this economy.
And then today…my birthday was ruined…Billy Mays died…I loved this guys commercials, his impact on the infomercial was equal to Michael Jackson’s impact on the Music Video. He put the Sham Wow guy to shame. I will truly miss his commercials. The products really worked too, unlike the damn Slap Chop! Piece of crap...The Sham Wow guy deserved everything that happened...
Hopefully I won’t have to talk about death on this blog for a while. Life is much more fun.
They will all be missed.
All others except “the” nurse disregard the following.
Another quick shout out to the ridiculously gorgeous tall nurse at the clinic..”how you doin?” …….I’m heading to chick fil a…do you like your nuggets with bar b q, ranch, or honey mustard sauce? Have a great day and try not to catch whatever it is that is killing off celebrities left and right.
Thursday, June 25, 2009
Last night I slept on a couch for the first time in a long long time. A group of family friends stayed over and my room quickly went to a young mother and her baby. I did not mind of course, I would much rather them have my bed but I don’t think I can do the couch thing anymore. And I’m sure I’ll be smelling baby stinch, you know spit up and that diaper smell for days to come. I used to be able to sleep on concrete; I could wake up, be fine, and head to class. Last night I slept maybe 15 minutes throughout the whole night. Snatch was cinemax at 2 am..one of my all time favorite movies, if you haven’t seen it be sure to check it out. If it had not been for Snatch there wouldn’t be one good thing I could say about last night. When I got up I felt like I had been hit in the lower back with a bat by a roided up Barry Bonds who had just been dumped. My neck hurt so bad I couldn’t turn to the left side to save my life. As I approach my next birthday, I’m starting to realize I’m getting older in more ways than one.
It could be the fact that I majored partly in Journalism, but every morning now I read the paper, check the internet for news, watch the news on tv, and then of course as every guy does, I catch Sportscenter. This was the same routine my late grandfather had minus the Sportscenter and internet. I also drink about a pot of coffee and check the weather. This all takes place before 8 am.
There was a time 3 years ago, during my fratastic days at Ole Miss living in the ATO house, where I did not wake up before noon on any day for anything or anyone. My earliest class was a 2 pm and there were times when I rolled out of bed 1:55 threw on some clothes and a hat, grabbed a coke, and walked five minutes to that class barely making it. Somehow during this time I still managed to pick up dates? I guess I didn’t smell as bad as I thought. However, most days I rolled out of bed between 12 and 12:30 and would walk downstairs and have lunch for my first meal of the day. The whole time I lived at the house I never ate breakfast there. You may be thinking wow this guy is lazy sleeping all day, well your wrong, I slept the same amount as you but I was on a different schedule.
You see, in a Fraternity house it doesn’t matter when you want to go to bed, you won’t be able to sleep until everyone else has gone to sleep. Sure you could get in bed at 11 pm but at 2 or 3 am someone was bound to come through the halls yelling and screaming, throwing trashcans, blaring music and carrying around a case of beer. You might as well just get up and grab a beer and hang out because you definitely weren’t going to get any sleep. We all learned this quickly. Now it seems the only thing I do at 2 or 3 am is get up to go to the bathroom and bump into walls sleepwalking.
There were also nights, wonderful nights, where I would not even get back to Oxford until 9 am the next day. These were trips to Tunica, Ms. Tunica is located an hour and fifteen minutes from Oxford and many nights when the bars closed at 1 am we would all pile in a car and head to Tunica (yes we would always get a sober driver). Gambling was not the best thing about Tunica, of course many times I somehow walked out of there with more money than I came with but why we went was for the free drinks and the free buffets. Not just any buffet, were talking Paula Dean buffets at The Grand and an all you can eat crab legs and lobster tails buffet at The Horseshoe. I would literally eat crab legs for three hours straight. Now if I eat anything at night I can’t sleep because of terrible heartburn, thank you Zantac 150. I love poker and I love blackjack but if I’m at a casino you can’t drag me away from the roulette table. Somehow I always hit, and I triple up on black 28. The date of my birthday which sadly is this Sunday. When I hit that...it was always a great night....Nowadays it’s hard to get me to get in a car to go anywhere that takes an hour and a half. Not even to our family mountain house in North Carolina which is only three hours away from Atlanta. I guess all of the college road trips and the five-and-a-half hour drives from Oxford to Atlanta did me in. 358 miles to be exact. There are just certain things now I can’t or will not do. Wish I had never taken for granted being able to sleep on a couch without feeling beat up in the morning or not minding riding in the car. Those days are all gone. If anyone knows how to make my neck feel better please leave a comment.
It could be the fact that I majored partly in Journalism, but every morning now I read the paper, check the internet for news, watch the news on tv, and then of course as every guy does, I catch Sportscenter. This was the same routine my late grandfather had minus the Sportscenter and internet. I also drink about a pot of coffee and check the weather. This all takes place before 8 am.
There was a time 3 years ago, during my fratastic days at Ole Miss living in the ATO house, where I did not wake up before noon on any day for anything or anyone. My earliest class was a 2 pm and there were times when I rolled out of bed 1:55 threw on some clothes and a hat, grabbed a coke, and walked five minutes to that class barely making it. Somehow during this time I still managed to pick up dates? I guess I didn’t smell as bad as I thought. However, most days I rolled out of bed between 12 and 12:30 and would walk downstairs and have lunch for my first meal of the day. The whole time I lived at the house I never ate breakfast there. You may be thinking wow this guy is lazy sleeping all day, well your wrong, I slept the same amount as you but I was on a different schedule.
You see, in a Fraternity house it doesn’t matter when you want to go to bed, you won’t be able to sleep until everyone else has gone to sleep. Sure you could get in bed at 11 pm but at 2 or 3 am someone was bound to come through the halls yelling and screaming, throwing trashcans, blaring music and carrying around a case of beer. You might as well just get up and grab a beer and hang out because you definitely weren’t going to get any sleep. We all learned this quickly. Now it seems the only thing I do at 2 or 3 am is get up to go to the bathroom and bump into walls sleepwalking.
There were also nights, wonderful nights, where I would not even get back to Oxford until 9 am the next day. These were trips to Tunica, Ms. Tunica is located an hour and fifteen minutes from Oxford and many nights when the bars closed at 1 am we would all pile in a car and head to Tunica (yes we would always get a sober driver). Gambling was not the best thing about Tunica, of course many times I somehow walked out of there with more money than I came with but why we went was for the free drinks and the free buffets. Not just any buffet, were talking Paula Dean buffets at The Grand and an all you can eat crab legs and lobster tails buffet at The Horseshoe. I would literally eat crab legs for three hours straight. Now if I eat anything at night I can’t sleep because of terrible heartburn, thank you Zantac 150. I love poker and I love blackjack but if I’m at a casino you can’t drag me away from the roulette table. Somehow I always hit, and I triple up on black 28. The date of my birthday which sadly is this Sunday. When I hit that...it was always a great night....Nowadays it’s hard to get me to get in a car to go anywhere that takes an hour and a half. Not even to our family mountain house in North Carolina which is only three hours away from Atlanta. I guess all of the college road trips and the five-and-a-half hour drives from Oxford to Atlanta did me in. 358 miles to be exact. There are just certain things now I can’t or will not do. Wish I had never taken for granted being able to sleep on a couch without feeling beat up in the morning or not minding riding in the car. Those days are all gone. If anyone knows how to make my neck feel better please leave a comment.
Wednesday, June 24, 2009
Traffic
I hate traffic with a passion. Especially Atlanta traffic which I am no longer used to. For the past five years I lived in a small town called Oxford, Mississippi and in Oxford you could get anywhere in about five minutes. Having moved back the suburbs north of Atlanta, it now takes me thirty minutes just to get to the grocery store down the street. Every morning I sprint for the door wanting to move back to Oxford, some mornings even packing a bag. Sure, I don’t have a residence there anymore but I could always sleep on a couch at the ATO house for a few nights I tell myself (wouldn’t be the first time). Then I remember that Oxford doesn’t have a Krystal, a Philly Connection, a Chipotle, a Five Guys Burger, a Cracker Barrel, a Texas de Brazil, more than two hibachi resteraunts, a Slopes BBQ, and other resteraunts. So what keeps me in Atlanta at the moment is food.
There is one good thing about traffic I have found though, but only for people like me. You see, I’m what you call a people watcher. I find it to be the most entertaining thing on earth to watch people, I just sit in the mall sometimes and watch people and the dumb things they do. Another great place for this is the supermarket which I will adress in a later blog. My new place though, is the Interstate! Who knew? Sitting in traffic the other day not moving an inch, I started to look around. There are your businessmen talking on their phones, moms screaming at the kid in backseat, the kid in the backseat screaming right back at her. There are the girls in their mid-twenties putting on their make up, sometimes smiling and winking at the mirror as if to say “oh yea..I look great today”. If they could hear through their windows I might lean over and say, “excuse me miss, but I think you missed a spot”. There are the teenage girls listening to Taylor Swift and Kenny Chesney texting their friend about the hot seventeen year old guy they got to second base with the night before. In traffic people pick their noses, read books, do crosswords, and some guys even carry drumsticks and play on their steering wheels. My favorite type of person to watch in traffic though is someone just like me, someone who jams out…. hard. I love to look over and see a lady singing as loud as she can, dancing, really getting into it. It has to be a great song for this to happen and I encourage others to try it. A great song can take you out of the terrible mood traffic puts you in and make you sing and dance. If a song can do this, it has truly made it.
There is one song that is truly what I call a “mood changer”, no matter what has happened in your day… a break up, a stock market crash or even losing your job, if you listen to this song by the end of it you will be in a great mood. Its called “C’mon Ride It” by the Quad City DJ’s. You have all heard it don’t lie…. and secretly you all love it just as much as I do. From “C’mon ride this train… hey ride it ..WHOO WHOO!!” to… “Way deep down south yo we play this game it’s the Quad City DJ’s and yo we call it the train…so if ya wanna ride this thing then c’mon down”…etc… I gurantee if you listen to this in your car today, your ride home will be much more fun. Everyone needs this on their IPOD. Another song that comes almost as close to “mood changing status” is “Shiny Happy People” by REM.. It’s just a happy song and if your still upset after these two, you really need to seek professional help.
We can’t beat the traffic here in Atlanta so we might as well do the best we can to enjoy it, so whether it’s jamming out, playing the drums on your steering wheel, slinging that air guitar, eating an entire pack of twizzlers, or yelling at the talk radio host . Do whatever it is that will get you by and won’t cause a wreck. No need to create more traffic for the rest of us.
Oh yea.... a quick hello to the ridiculously good looking nurse at the clinic…hope your day is going well..stay away from people with West Nile and Swine Flu if you can.
There is one good thing about traffic I have found though, but only for people like me. You see, I’m what you call a people watcher. I find it to be the most entertaining thing on earth to watch people, I just sit in the mall sometimes and watch people and the dumb things they do. Another great place for this is the supermarket which I will adress in a later blog. My new place though, is the Interstate! Who knew? Sitting in traffic the other day not moving an inch, I started to look around. There are your businessmen talking on their phones, moms screaming at the kid in backseat, the kid in the backseat screaming right back at her. There are the girls in their mid-twenties putting on their make up, sometimes smiling and winking at the mirror as if to say “oh yea..I look great today”. If they could hear through their windows I might lean over and say, “excuse me miss, but I think you missed a spot”. There are the teenage girls listening to Taylor Swift and Kenny Chesney texting their friend about the hot seventeen year old guy they got to second base with the night before. In traffic people pick their noses, read books, do crosswords, and some guys even carry drumsticks and play on their steering wheels. My favorite type of person to watch in traffic though is someone just like me, someone who jams out…. hard. I love to look over and see a lady singing as loud as she can, dancing, really getting into it. It has to be a great song for this to happen and I encourage others to try it. A great song can take you out of the terrible mood traffic puts you in and make you sing and dance. If a song can do this, it has truly made it.
There is one song that is truly what I call a “mood changer”, no matter what has happened in your day… a break up, a stock market crash or even losing your job, if you listen to this song by the end of it you will be in a great mood. Its called “C’mon Ride It” by the Quad City DJ’s. You have all heard it don’t lie…. and secretly you all love it just as much as I do. From “C’mon ride this train… hey ride it ..WHOO WHOO!!” to… “Way deep down south yo we play this game it’s the Quad City DJ’s and yo we call it the train…so if ya wanna ride this thing then c’mon down”…etc… I gurantee if you listen to this in your car today, your ride home will be much more fun. Everyone needs this on their IPOD. Another song that comes almost as close to “mood changing status” is “Shiny Happy People” by REM.. It’s just a happy song and if your still upset after these two, you really need to seek professional help.
We can’t beat the traffic here in Atlanta so we might as well do the best we can to enjoy it, so whether it’s jamming out, playing the drums on your steering wheel, slinging that air guitar, eating an entire pack of twizzlers, or yelling at the talk radio host . Do whatever it is that will get you by and won’t cause a wreck. No need to create more traffic for the rest of us.
Oh yea.... a quick hello to the ridiculously good looking nurse at the clinic…hope your day is going well..stay away from people with West Nile and Swine Flu if you can.
Recently, many of my best friends have been getting engaged and married. The first to go was my good friend and Fraternity brother David Sibley last December. Next up is my friend Ben Bevill who will be getting married in St. Louis in late July. It seems most weekends this summer and fall I’ll be at a wedding. There is one wedding this fall that I just can’t miss, my cousin Luke’s.
I didn’t grow up having a brother so my cousin Luke Goddard was the closest thing I had. We were only three months apart and we were every family’s worst nightmare. We were loud, hyperactive, rambunctious, and I’m sure for our entire family, very annoying. The first picture on this page is Luke and I when we were 5 years old. This was taken right after our grandparent’s 50th wedding anniversary in the town of Reynolds, Ga.
The next picture is one of my favorites because it is the last time Luke and I were the same height. Luke kept growing, I don’t think I ever did after this picture. Well maybe an inch or two. It was taken on the first tee of Reynolds Golf Course before one of our many rounds we played there.
Luke and I didn’t see much of each other over the past five years because I went off to college two states away. During this time he met and incredible girl named Drew Watkins and last summer proposed to her at St. Simons Island. Luke being very creative videotaped the proposal and a few weeks ago this video was featured on TLC. Luke and Drew recently created a wedding website, I’ve had a lot of friends get married but I had never seen one of these before. They wrote about the ceremony and the bride and groom and then created pages for all of the groomsmen and bridesmaids. If you want to take a look at the website the link is http://www.weddingwire.com/lukeanddrew . As I haven’t been as close with Luke the past few years I was honestly surprised when he asked me to be in his wedding party. However, I was and still am very honored that he is including me in one of the most important days of his life.
Now to the purpose of this blog. On the site, as I mentioned before, they have pages with pictures of the groomsmen and a short synopsis about the person to the side. The first time I saw this I thought “man this is awesome; I can’t wait to see what he wrote about me”. Everyone else’s picture was completely normal. Then I saw mine, it is shown below.
What better picture for all of the family and our family’s friends to see but me with a cigar and a drink of scotch? Glenlivet aged 12 years to be exact. This picture was taken two years ago when one of my friends was going through a bad break up. I had recently broken up as well. To be honest at the time, I wasn’t that upset about it but it was an excuse to smoke a cigar and have a scotch drink and I’m always looking for those excuses. At first, I was like “Crap Luke! Everyone is going to think I’m the crazy partier in the family”. I was upset for a about a millisecond until I realized that I WAS the crazy partier in the family and that Luke’s description of me had hit the nail on the head. If someone asks at the wedding, “Hey aren’t you the scotch cousin?” I’ll just say, “Yep sure am”.
I wish Luke and Drew all the best, and look forward to hanging out with my crazy cousin for years to come.
Of course, I’ll get him back for the picture with a story at the rehearsal dinner….Just kidding Luke…or am I?
Saturday, June 20, 2009
So it was 101 degrees today in Georgia..what did I do? Go to the pool? No…Get ice cream and snow cones? No..My idiot self played tennis against my neighbor.. I think I lost 10 lbs of sweat in the hour and a half we were out there… I make fun of dumb people a lot..but I have realized that I myself do some of the dumbest and say some of the dumbest things of anyone else I know..
For instance I have learned in my life to never ever ever say to a lady in a grocery store , “expecting soon huh?” or “How far along are you?”…Everytime you do this, it turns out the lady is not pregnant. Most of the times when you say something dumb you can recover from it, this is one of those cases where you can’t. What are you supposed to say “Oh I’m sorry ma’am your mishapen gut made it look like you were with child, my apologies”. No in this situation you turn and walk away, leave your buggy and just walk away.
There is another situation that is even worse than that one. I’m sure you have all done it, your standing in line, you want to reach over and get a Milkyway Midnight but the person in front of you is in the way. You politely say, “Excuse me,sir”. The sir turns around and you find out that the the sir is actually a really ugly ma’am with a mullet. There is no way to recover from this. I have tried. My best attempts were “Oh I’m sorry….you” “I’m sorry..individual” “I’m sorry..human being…I think”…In this situation just turn and run get in your car, don’t even change the radio station, and just drive, drive until you are somewhere that you can tell the difference between men and women again. And if you can’t find that place, well you are most likely at a drag show and frankly that’s just really weird.
For instance I have learned in my life to never ever ever say to a lady in a grocery store , “expecting soon huh?” or “How far along are you?”…Everytime you do this, it turns out the lady is not pregnant. Most of the times when you say something dumb you can recover from it, this is one of those cases where you can’t. What are you supposed to say “Oh I’m sorry ma’am your mishapen gut made it look like you were with child, my apologies”. No in this situation you turn and walk away, leave your buggy and just walk away.
There is another situation that is even worse than that one. I’m sure you have all done it, your standing in line, you want to reach over and get a Milkyway Midnight but the person in front of you is in the way. You politely say, “Excuse me,sir”. The sir turns around and you find out that the the sir is actually a really ugly ma’am with a mullet. There is no way to recover from this. I have tried. My best attempts were “Oh I’m sorry….you” “I’m sorry..individual” “I’m sorry..human being…I think”…In this situation just turn and run get in your car, don’t even change the radio station, and just drive, drive until you are somewhere that you can tell the difference between men and women again. And if you can’t find that place, well you are most likely at a drag show and frankly that’s just really weird.
Thursday, June 18, 2009
After a few requests, I’m writing my second blog. Over the past week for some reason parents have confused my phone number with a local child care center. At first, I politely said you have the wrong number and went about my day. However, the number of calls kept increasing and as I bore easily I decided I’d start having fun with it.....
Parent: “Yes. I just wanted to le you know that Janice Smithfield will be picking up Caroline today, she has my full permission to pick her up. I have to work late.”
Me: “Oh. I’m sorry ma’am but we just can’t allow that.”
Parent: “Why not? She has picked her up before. Has there been a policy change?”
Me: “No. There has been no policy change it’s just that Ms. Smithfield is on our list of known sex offenders, we can’t release your child to her… much less let her on the property.”
Parent: “How dare you. That’s my mother’s best friend!”
Me: “I believe your mother is on there too. They committeed the act together I hear, well….them and a herd of goats.” CLICK
Next Call
Parent: “I’m calling about James. I put his new prescription with his stuff today and was just reminding the staff that the new prescription is to be given twice a day not just once as before.”
Me: “James??...I think we lost him…does he have a chip?”
Parent: “A What? What do you mean you lost him”
Me: “Well ma’am I just can’t place him. And you know a tracking chip… we had one put in our dog, great invention, he is normally at the neighbors house though. I’m sure James will turn up. We will just put up some signs with some reward money, he’ll show up. And if he doesn’t the hip thing is to do these days is to adopt from different countries. CLICK
Next Call
Parent: “My son’s class is having a party this Friday and I’m supposed to bring snacks. Could you please tell me what the theme is? It’s Ms. Henderson’s class.
Me: Why sure! Let me just check….Says here the theme is naked picture day. Apparently they are going to take naked pictures of all the children…I guess it’s to get them ready for the Boy Scouts.” CLICK
Sure is a lot of fun..cant wait until the next call.
Parent: “Yes. I just wanted to le you know that Janice Smithfield will be picking up Caroline today, she has my full permission to pick her up. I have to work late.”
Me: “Oh. I’m sorry ma’am but we just can’t allow that.”
Parent: “Why not? She has picked her up before. Has there been a policy change?”
Me: “No. There has been no policy change it’s just that Ms. Smithfield is on our list of known sex offenders, we can’t release your child to her… much less let her on the property.”
Parent: “How dare you. That’s my mother’s best friend!”
Me: “I believe your mother is on there too. They committeed the act together I hear, well….them and a herd of goats.” CLICK
Next Call
Parent: “I’m calling about James. I put his new prescription with his stuff today and was just reminding the staff that the new prescription is to be given twice a day not just once as before.”
Me: “James??...I think we lost him…does he have a chip?”
Parent: “A What? What do you mean you lost him”
Me: “Well ma’am I just can’t place him. And you know a tracking chip… we had one put in our dog, great invention, he is normally at the neighbors house though. I’m sure James will turn up. We will just put up some signs with some reward money, he’ll show up. And if he doesn’t the hip thing is to do these days is to adopt from different countries. CLICK
Next Call
Parent: “My son’s class is having a party this Friday and I’m supposed to bring snacks. Could you please tell me what the theme is? It’s Ms. Henderson’s class.
Me: Why sure! Let me just check….Says here the theme is naked picture day. Apparently they are going to take naked pictures of all the children…I guess it’s to get them ready for the Boy Scouts.” CLICK
Sure is a lot of fun..cant wait until the next call.
Tuesday, June 16, 2009
This morning I went by the bank to deposit a check, just like I do a few times a week. I figured this morning would be the same as countless other mornings when I have visited the bank near Kennesaw State University. I took one last swig of my coffee and finished listening to the song on the radio before stepping out of my 4runner. What happened next I couldn’t believe. I could of woken up that morning and written down 1000 things I thought would happen before noon that day and what happened would have not made the list.
I stepped out and just as I closed the door I heard a loud fluttering sound behind me. I turned and a sea of white was headed straight for my head. I ducked as a multitude of what I later found out to be doves flew over my head. It was a good thirty to forty-five seconds before they had all passed. As I fell to the ground to escape getting hit by one of these dangerous birds of prey I reacted by saying “WHAT THE F@*# ????!!!!”. Not a word for a Christian mouth to say I know, but in a time like this you don’t think about what you say. I said it. I stand by it. I regret saying it. It happened. Get over it. If people want my language cleaned up don’t unleash and armada of flying rodents at my head when I’m trying to get out of my car.
As the fluttering faded away I rose again to my feet in relief that I was still breathing and the shock of what had just happened did not stop my heart. It was then that I realized the consequences of me uttering that fateful cuss word moments before. Beside me, about three spaces down, was a van, not just an ordinary van but a van full of children with the windows down. They were staring at me as if I’d killed Hannah Montana. As if I’d pulled out a .45 and shot them seven times in the chest and then double tapped their forehead to make sure their innocence was dead.
Next to the bank. There is a small museuem with various exhibits throughout the year. The children and their leader aka “I never had power in my life so I use this position to feel better about myself and feel important lady”, had obviously planned a trip to visit the muesuem that morning. The van passengers like myself never expected for a million doves to be released in this parking lot. As I finally turned passed the horrified childrens faces I looked over and saw a bearded man smiling standing next to a pick up truck where he had relased the doves by removing a piece of ply board he had attached to the tailgate. This is not a common occurrence as I Ilive in suburban Atlanta.
Leader lady began to get out of the van and the Jeremiah Johnson guy started rerigging his truck that transported demons of the sky, when I decided that a confrontation with either of them just wasn’t worth it. I had my life. I was good to go. So I got back in my 4runner and closed the door. I went home,got back in the bed, took a 30 min nap, and then started my morning over again. There are few experiences in the morning that could have made for a worse start to a day. Can’t complain though. At least I didn’t see an ex girlfriend. In that case the F bomb would not have sufficed.
I stepped out and just as I closed the door I heard a loud fluttering sound behind me. I turned and a sea of white was headed straight for my head. I ducked as a multitude of what I later found out to be doves flew over my head. It was a good thirty to forty-five seconds before they had all passed. As I fell to the ground to escape getting hit by one of these dangerous birds of prey I reacted by saying “WHAT THE F@*# ????!!!!”. Not a word for a Christian mouth to say I know, but in a time like this you don’t think about what you say. I said it. I stand by it. I regret saying it. It happened. Get over it. If people want my language cleaned up don’t unleash and armada of flying rodents at my head when I’m trying to get out of my car.
As the fluttering faded away I rose again to my feet in relief that I was still breathing and the shock of what had just happened did not stop my heart. It was then that I realized the consequences of me uttering that fateful cuss word moments before. Beside me, about three spaces down, was a van, not just an ordinary van but a van full of children with the windows down. They were staring at me as if I’d killed Hannah Montana. As if I’d pulled out a .45 and shot them seven times in the chest and then double tapped their forehead to make sure their innocence was dead.
Next to the bank. There is a small museuem with various exhibits throughout the year. The children and their leader aka “I never had power in my life so I use this position to feel better about myself and feel important lady”, had obviously planned a trip to visit the muesuem that morning. The van passengers like myself never expected for a million doves to be released in this parking lot. As I finally turned passed the horrified childrens faces I looked over and saw a bearded man smiling standing next to a pick up truck where he had relased the doves by removing a piece of ply board he had attached to the tailgate. This is not a common occurrence as I Ilive in suburban Atlanta.
Leader lady began to get out of the van and the Jeremiah Johnson guy started rerigging his truck that transported demons of the sky, when I decided that a confrontation with either of them just wasn’t worth it. I had my life. I was good to go. So I got back in my 4runner and closed the door. I went home,got back in the bed, took a 30 min nap, and then started my morning over again. There are few experiences in the morning that could have made for a worse start to a day. Can’t complain though. At least I didn’t see an ex girlfriend. In that case the F bomb would not have sufficed.
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