MY FUNERAL

My Funeral

Recently I heard that you only get to have 2 things in your life exactly the way you want them: wedding and funeral.

Seeing as how I date bossy girls I know that I will have no control over my wedding whatsoever at all. However, I am going to have my funeral exactly the way I want it.

You may think this is weird but funerals are a big deal in the Goddard family. A few months ago my cousin John became a 6th generation funeral director. The Goddard family owned Goddard Funeral Home in the metropolis of Reynolds, GA up until the early 1990s.

When all of you arrive at my funeral you will all be handed a free ice cold Coca-Cola for your enjoyment. I love a coke more than any other beverage on earth and being from Georgia there really isn’t any other soft drink out there. If you drink a pepsi the day of my funeral I will probably roll over in my grave.

There will also be boiled peanuts everywhere you look at my funeral for your enjoyment. I have been deathly allergic to peanuts my entire life and family or friends have never been able to eat them around me. At my funeral, EAT UP! I’m dead so I want everyone to eat a million peanuts. Even throw them in my casket at that point I don’t care!

Instead of a preacher getting up there consoling people crying about death I want all of my friends, fraternity brothers, and some family to take a few minutes go up there and roast me. I want them all to tell an extremely embarrassing/funny memory about me. Tell awful things that’s no one knows that will make elderly people blush. I’ll be dead so I’m not too worried about being embarrassed.

If it’s summertime when I die please feel free to wear shorts and a t-shirt. I hate wearing a suit when its hot so I don’t expect anyone else to.

As you leave my funeral please feel free to enjoy some good food. Zaxby’s, KFC, Philly Connection, Gallas Pizza, Taylor Grocery (catfish), and Handy Andys (burgers) will all be catering. There will also be a cash bar (which will go towards paying for my funeral), dance floor, and live music. That’s the way I would have wanted to go out drunk dancing to Don’t Stop Believing, playing an air piano to Superstion, singing every word to C’mon Ride this train, dancing with a smoking hot girl to Dixieland Delight, swing dancing to Brown Eyed Girl, and towards the end of the night busting my chin wide open trying to do the worm. That’s how I want to go out people.

My headstone will read:

Mitchell Chandler Goddard

1985 – TBD
“Been here, now gone. Had a good time.”

“ Hotty Toddy!! GO TO HELL LSU!!!”



Won’t see y’all there so have a great time!!