First off, I have greatly enjoyed all of the texts, phone calls, and even a few emails about the last blog. Most of them came from not exes but pissed off exes’ friends…we all know how that works..thanks girls. I don’t even know who this one girl named Rachel was, but the voicemail she left me would make a sailor’s language sound like the Queen’s English…oh yes, and miss Rachel.. “fixin” is not a word…Once again, sorry but I call them how I see them.

Over the past few weeks our neighborhood as been invaded by small rabbits, every night if you walk outside you can see two or three scatter in the backyard. This morning driving through the neighborhood I counted seven, yes seven, dead rabbits in the road that had been hit by cars last night after 4th of July activities. (Random thought..but “Dead Rabbits In The Road” would be an awesome name for a band). We had two dead rabbits near our house and I realized that no one was going to move them. I then decided to do the responsible adult thing and get rid of them myself, there are little kids that ride their bikes and play on that street all the time and I didn’t want them to get some disease from a dead rabbit.
So I grab my shovel and an industrial garbage bag, put on some gloves, and within about three minutes had both of those little guys in the trash bag. Then I had another problem, what do you do with two dead rabbits in a bag in suburban Atlanta? You cant throw them away..the garbage would smell like hell until they came and picked it up. There is really no place to burn them. So what I settled on was burying them in some woods behind our neighborhood. Don’t know if I’m allowed to do that or not, but I did, just trying to protect the kids. So I dug a hole, placed the bag in there, filled it up with dirt, and was about to walk off.
The four year old sensitive kid inside of me came out and I was like “well I guess I should say something”. But this posed a new question, “what the hell do you say at a rabbits funeral”. I mean really “Here’s to hopping on over to the other side?” or “hope there are carrots wherever you are”? Nothing really worked. Which made me think…what do rabbits really do? What is their purpose? I really don’t know if they have one but I gathered through later thought that most rabbits we know of are the subjects of children’s stories. So what kind of lives did these little guys have ( I named them Carl and Hank )? The two little guys in the 50 gallon Hefty bag buried back in the woods never got to realize that dreams . I really wonder what happened on their last day here on Earth?..this is what I came up with…
Carl and Hank were just two good ole rabbits enjoying the 4th of July at their friend Bubba’s burrough. They made their way there earlier that morning through the briar patch and a quick pit stop at Starbucks to pick up a carrot juice latte. Carl stopped at the gas station and picked up three bags of ice for the cooler and two cases of Pabst Orange Carrot. When they reached Bubba’s house they realized they were behind on the festivities. Because their Pabst Orange Carrot was not cold yet because it had just been put on ice. Bubba let them reach in his cooler and they shotgunned three cans of “lucky foot light” to catch up.
This continued for the rest of the day, sure they shot fireworks, played air guitar, whistled at the bunny tail hopping through the briar patch, but mainly these rabbits did what most do on the 4th of July. Later that night Carl and Hank decided to head home. Bubba said, “Man y’all have had way too much, y’all cant hop home.” But they decided to anyways and on North Lakeside Drive they played a deadly game of Frogger that didn’t end so well for them. An expedition with large tires took Carl out first, he was still talking when Hank got to him. Hank tried to tend to his wounds and call for help but a Corvette going 65 ended all those hopes and Carl and Hank were silenced. They were just trying to get home.

So we all learned a valuable lesson from them… Don’t drink and hop..or drive..it results in smelly rotting roadkill in front of my house.

"All my exes"

I have received a few messages and calls about wanting me to write a blog about exes, my exes in particular, so here it is.
How did I do this? well I listened to some of my friends tell their favorite stories about my experiences with girlfriends and made a list from that. Then I added my own and picked out a few that were entertaining but really not all that terrible. Some things just can’t be written on this blog. The really funny thing is that I KNOW that some of the girls I’m going to write about read this blog on a daily basis. The phone calls tomorrow should be pleasant.

There are many different kinds of exes, mostly for me there are ones I just don’t care to hear from ever again. Which is a funny thing. I recently heard someone say that it is very ironic that the person we want to be around the most, all the time at one point in our life is many times the person we eventually hate more than anyone else in the world. Sadly in many failed relationships this is the case. How many girls have I dated? How many exes do I really have? I honestly don’t know. I can however honestly say that I have only loved one girl in my life. This would be the “one that got away because you were a dumb kid in college” ex. This was the kind of girl that was just fun to be around, you could talk to hours on the phone, fun to go out with, fun to joke with, and she was even fun to fight with. I loved everything about her. But as mentioned before I was a very very dumb and immature kid in college and messed it all up. And I, not her I think, suffered the worst in the end because of my own dumb actions. If she ever reads this, you were right and I was wrong. I’m very sorry and you deserve a whole lot better. She’s probably the only person on this Earth I will ever say that to. I hear she is very happy now and I wish her all the best in life.
Now onto the other exes…most of them are straight up crazy and I would never want to talk to again. Unlike the ex mentioned before who I would love to one day be able to talk to on the phone just to see how she was. The rest, no way!
I still have a few girls, who I dated years ago, and I mean like 4 or 5 years ago, who I still get calls from and texts from asking why we didn’t work out and if we could give it another shot. After the period of a year if I haven’t answered a call or text, you should probably quit. Go get a life. These are your “persistent exes”. They never give up, they are like telemarketers except there is not a “no call” list you can be put on, it never ends. Many of us think that the cure for the “persistent ex” is to just date someone new, this works for a while but when that falls through you again get the sympathy calls from them. Like water behind a dam, if they find the tiniest crack or the smallest opening they’ll do whatever they can to get through to you. And if you answer the phone or respond to that text just once..and I mean once…you have opened the floodgates my friend and there is no way to restore that dam again.
A good rule of thumb, if a date doesn’t answer after two phone calls over the span of three days, they don’t want to hear from you. Sorry move on. Girls have done this to me, I don’t blame them, I do it all the time so I don’t judge. Just don’t answer. And if they don’t answer quit calling. The way to someone’s heart is not 15 calls and 20 texts before noon the morning after the first date asking why he hasn’t called yet. Yes, this really did happen. If she’s reading this…you really need help. Do you know what that does to us guys girls? It freaks us out, we head for the hills. We wont even think about asking another girl out for months.
One of my friend’s favorite stories involves the “embarrassing drunk” ex. Now this girl was a sweetheart who would really help out anyone at anytime, but…..she couldn’t handle alcohol to save her life. It was the fall of my junior year at Ole Miss and I was living in the Fraternity house. I had really started to like this girl, we had fun all of the time and she came from a good family. Then my parents and some of their friends came over for the Ole Miss v. UGA game. It was a night game and I believe she along with most people started drinking in The Grove at about 9 am. By 3 pm she was hammered. I had a lot of friends and family in town and I was busy talking to them when I overheard this girl say this to my mother “Yea..I had a lot to drink last night so I just stayed at the ATO house…but we didn’t do anything”. Which was true, she slept on the couch. Why she chose to share this information with my mother I will never know..anything other than that would have been better. As she said this I literally felt my soul leave me when I looked at my mother. My sweet little Kindergarten teaching, Sunday School leading mother. Her look to me was as if to say, “You’ve been reduced to this? This is the girl your so crazy about? Don’t even think of bringing her home to Thanksgiving”.
I honestly wish the story ended there that day, but it doesn’t. I didn’t get to enjoy the game because one of her friends passed out in the stadium and well I don’t think my date even knew where she was, I did a lot of babysitting. After the game she wanted to go back to the tent to say goodbye to my parents, I was like “ohhhh nooo.. you just sit here with your friends and we will talk later”. As much as I liked that girl, I couldn’t date her anymore after that event. She is now happily married and I wish her all the best.
If you have dated me recently and I cut it off quick and didn’t drag it out breaking up with you or stop speaking to you this next girl is the reason why. I call her the “wrong impression” ex. This girl and I had been dating for 2 months but to tell the truth it was over after three weeks. I just didn’t know how to tell her politely because she was so serious. She had me going to lunch with her grandmother and golfing with her dad, seemed like she was ready to walk down the aisle after a few weeks of dating me. Well the time came and it just couldn’t wait any longer, I timed it perfectly guys, right before Christmas break. It would be at least 3 weeks before I would have to see her and I could avoid phone calls for that long. So I went over to her apartment that Thursday night before leaving to go home for Christmas and told her “I just don’t think this is going to work”. Well, I didn’t get the response I was expecting. A big smile came over her face and she ran up and hugged me. I was thinking in my head this is the most awkward break up I have ever encountered.
Then she said “I don’t think this is going to work either, I haven’t for a long time! Being apart for three weeks just isn’t going to work, that’s why I got my dad to book you a spot on our week long cruise with the rest of my family”. It was at this point I knew the break up that was a bout to go down would be one of the worst in history. I was right.
After 2 minutes of her having a bear grip around me I said “No….umm…what I meant was…I don’t think us dating is going to work anymore, I just don’t think we are right for each other”. To which..this girl laughed! She said, “quit joking around with me!” . I said, “No…I’m serious.”. It was then that she realized I was being serious and then went completely crazy, crying, screaming, throwing clothes broke a picture of us in a frame. She showed what she had bought for me for Christmas and then threw it against the wall. She literally screamed until she could not breathe. I finally just left and I drove about 90 to get home. We had dated for 2 months and really not even that seriously. I guess she had an idea built up in her head of us that no one else saw especially me.
I was on I-20 heading back to Georgia the next day when I got a phone call from a number I had never seen before. It was her dad. Just great right? I was like here comes the shotgun. I better just drive up to Canada. “Mitch..I’m really disappointed you have broken up with my daughter we were looking forward to having you on our trip. From the way she talked I thought you two were really in love. Of course she had a tendency to rush things and manipulate people just like her mother”. It was at this point I realized this guy wasn’t going to hunt me down and kill me. So I said, “Sir..what do you mean? He replied, “Oh hell Mitch..I know my daughter’s crazy, she’s just like her mother. I could never figure out how to break it off and now I’ve been married for 23 years. A divorce now would bankrupt me. From now on as soon as you know it’s not going to work out, make a clean break. Don’t lead anyone on for sake of their feelings, just end it. Or you will end up like me.”
That was some of the best advice I ever received. This dad and I still keep in touch through emails and apparently every guy his daughter dates she tries to be engaged to by the second month. She just hasn’t figured it out yet I guess. I hope he gives them the same advice that he gave me.
I left a lot of exes out but I’m sure their stories will be told eventually. If offended anyone I’m sorry. I just call them like I see them.