The Tantrum

The Tantrum

One of my favorite things to do is to watch people in public places. I wish that they had a bench at the end of every grocery store isle so I could just sit and watch the people as they. It is by far the best entertainment in the greater Atlanta area.

Today I was in my local Kroger and I saw a tantrum by a 3 yr old boy that puts every tantrum I ever performed as a child to utter shame. I don’t know what his mother wouldn’t let him put in the cart but needless to say this kid was pissed off beyond belief. Apparently his parents didn’t use good language around him because he sounded like he lived in fraternity house sending expletives flying down the cereal isle for Captain Crunch and Dig ‘Ems inncocent ears to hear. He then proceeded to do the classic “lay on the ground and kick my legs in the air and scream at the top of my lungs” routine. However, his mother fought this with the classic “walk over your child, continue shopping and ignore them” routine. This tactic normally works but this kid had a new strategy up his sleave, he stood up and started throwing boxes of cereal on the ground and then jumping on them. The boxes weree mainly off of the first shelf because that is the only shelf he should reach. He was a considerate kid and threw the bad cereals such as “Total” and “Life” on the ground first. Store managers are smart and put the better cereals such as “Captain Crunch”, “Smacks”, “Lucky Charms”, “Fruit Loops”, and “Cinnamon Toast Crunch” on higher shelves so that these crown jewels of the breakfast world are kept safe. The mother then rushed and picked the son up left her cart and stormed out of the isle. I quickly followed to catch the end of the this epic tantrum. I thought the kid was about to get a beating right in front of the check out isle, but he had a trick up his sleave that I never used as a child. As his mother was setting him down to start the beating this kid threw up all over the place…including all over his mother. It was with this that everyone dispersed because the smell was quite terrible. I don’t exactly know what happened after that but I do know one thing…it will be a very very long time before I have kids.

Bucket List

Bucket List

Things to do before I die..

1. Go back to Oxford and the Grove for every football game that I can for the rest of my life.
2. Read War and Peace
3. Date a normal girl
4. Go to the baseball Hall of Fame
5. Play St. Andrews in Scotland
6. Go under the sea in a submarine
7. Fly fish in Jackson Hole
8. Rock Climb and Mtn bike in Utah
9. Learn to play stairway to heaven on the guitar
10. See a penguin in the wild
11. Eat every meal for a week at The Varisty
12. Write a novel
13. Go on a Safari in Africa
14. Grow a beard
15. Hike the Appalachian trail
16. Sing “C’mon Ride This Train” in Karaoke
17. Eat as many crawfish as I possibly can every spring
18. Spend more time at the Mtn house in NC
19. Eat an entire bucket of KFC fried chicken in one sitting
20. Fly somewhere for a day and then fly back
21. Go to Fenway Park
22. Take a homeless person or a person in need out for a really nice dinner.
23. Give a random kid a $100 bill
24. Try a Chicago style pizza
25. Go to Philadelphia to eat a Cheesesteak
26. Meet Norman H. Schwarzkopf
27. Go back and tell off all of my professors that treated their students like crap
28. See a football game at every SEC school
29. Catch a Marlin
30. Learn to fly
31. Be a dad (one day, not soon)
32. Throw an entire bucket of popcorn behind me in a movie theatre on whoever and act like I don’t know what they are talking about.
33. Bobsled
34. Train a hunting dog
35. Learn to cook Lobster
36. Learn to smoke ribs
37. Watch an episode of the Jerffersons, Ive never seen one
38. Build a boat and sail it
39. Take a girl to Waffle House for a date…just to see if shes stuck up
40. Drive a Ferrari
41. Have a jar of just red jolly ranchers (the best)
42. Order sweet tea with just about every meal
43. Eat Catfish at Taylor Grocery in Taylor, Ms at least 5 times a year
44. Own a hibachi grill in my home and learn to cook like those guys
45. Play an entire round of golf with lefty clubs
46. Buy a stranger a coke when they are obviously in a bad mood
47. Contribute to the Make a Wish Foundation
48. Visit St. Jude at least once a year so that I never complain about my life

The Exes Blog Reposted

After a few requests I figured I would repost this blog from last July. Hopefully it will bring a few laughs again.

The Exes Blog


I have received a few messages and calls about wanting me to write a blog about exes, my exes in particular, so here it is.How did I do this? well I listened to some of my friends tell their favorite stories about my experiences with girlfriends and made a list from that. Then I added my own and picked out a few that were entertaining but really not all that terrible. Some things just can’t be written on this blog. The really funny thing is that I KNOW that some of the girls I’m going to write about read this blog on a daily basis. The phone calls tomorrow should be pleasant.
There are many different kinds of exes, mostly for me there are ones I just don’t care to hear from ever again. Which is a funny thing. I recently heard someone say that it is very ironic that the person we want to be around the most, all the time at one point in our life is many times the person we eventually hate more than anyone else in the world. Sadly in many failed relationships this is the case. How many girls have I dated? How many exes do I really have? I honestly don’t know. I can however honestly say that I have only loved one girl in my life. This would be the “one that got away because you were a dumb kid in college” ex. This was the kind of girl that was just fun to be around, you could talk to hours on the phone, fun to go out with, fun to joke with, and she was even fun to fight with. I loved everything about her. But as mentioned before I was a very very dumb and immature kid in college and messed it all up. And I, not her I think, suffered the worst in the end because of my own dumb actions. If she ever reads this, you were right and I was wrong. I’m very sorry and you deserve a whole lot better. She’s probably the only person on this Earth I will ever say that to. I hear she is very happy now and I wish her all the best in life.
Now onto the other exes…most of them are straight up crazy and I would never want to talk to again. Unlike the ex mentioned before who I would love to one day be able to talk to on the phone just to see how she was. The rest, no way!
I still have a few girls, who I dated years ago, and I mean like 4 or 5 years ago, who I still get calls from and texts from asking why we didn’t work out and if we could give it another shot. After the period of a year if I haven’t answered a call or text, you should probably quit. Go get a life. These are your “persistent exes”. They never give up, they are like telemarketers except there is not a “no call” list you can be put on, it never ends. Many of us think that the cure for the “persistent ex” is to just date someone new, this works for a while but when that falls through you again get the sympathy calls from them. Like water behind a dam, if they find the tiniest crack or the smallest opening they’ll do whatever they can to get through to you. And if you answer the phone or respond to that text just once..and I mean once…you have opened the floodgates my friend and there is no way to restore that dam again.
A good rule of thumb, if a date doesn’t answer after two phone calls over the span of three days, they don’t want to hear from you. Sorry move on. Girls have done this to me, I don’t blame them, I do it all the time so I don’t judge. Just don’t answer. And if they don’t answer quit calling. The way to someone’s heart is not 15 calls and 20 texts before noon the morning after the first date asking why he hasn’t called yet. Yes, this really did happen. If she’s reading this…you really need help. Do you know what that does to us guys girls? It freaks us out, we head for the hills. We wont even think about asking another girl out for months.
One of my friend’s favorite stories involves the “embarrassing drunk” ex. Now this girl was a sweetheart who would really help out anyone at anytime, but…..she couldn’t handle alcohol to save her life. It was the fall of my junior year at Ole Miss and I was living in the Fraternity house. I had really started to like this girl, we had fun all of the time and she came from a good family. Then my parents and some of their friends came over for the Ole Miss v. UGA game. It was a night game and I believe she along with most people started drinking in The Grove at about 9 am. By 3 pm she was hammered. I had a lot of friends and family in town and I was busy talking to them when I overheard this girl say this to my mother “Yea..I had a lot to drink last night so I just stayed at the ATO house…but we didn’t do anything”. Which was true, she slept on the couch. Why she chose to share this information with my mother I will never know..anything other than that would have been better. As she said this I literally felt my soul leave me when I looked at my mother. My sweet little Kindergarten teaching, Sunday School leading mother. Her look to me was as if to say, “You’ve been reduced to this? This is the girl your so crazy about? Don’t even think of bringing her home to Thanksgiving”.I honestly wish the story ended there that day, but it doesn’t. I didn’t get to enjoy the game because one of her friends passed out in the stadium and well I don’t think my date even knew where she was, I did a lot of babysitting. After the game she wanted to go back to the tent to say goodbye to my parents, I was like “ohhhh nooo.. you just sit here with your friends and we will talk later”. As much as I liked that girl, I couldn’t date her anymore after that event. She is now happily married and I wish her all the best.
If you have dated me recently and I cut it off quick and didn’t drag it out breaking up with you or stop speaking to you this next girl is the reason why. I call her the “wrong impression” ex. This girl and I had been dating for 2 months but to tell the truth it was over after three weeks. I just didn’t know how to tell her politely because she was so serious. She had me going to lunch with her grandmother and golfing with her dad, seemed like she was ready to walk down the aisle after a few weeks of dating me. Well the time came and it just couldn’t wait any longer, I timed it perfectly guys, right before Christmas break. It would be at least 3 weeks before I would have to see her and I could avoid phone calls for that long. So I went over to her apartment that Thursday night before leaving to go home for Christmas and told her “I just don’t think this is going to work”. Well, I didn’t get the response I was expecting. A big smile came over her face and she ran up and hugged me. I was thinking in my head this is the most awkward break up I have ever encountered.Then she said “I don’t think this is going to work either, I haven’t for a long time! Being apart for three weeks just isn’t going to work, that’s why I got my dad to book you a spot on our week long cruise with the rest of my family”. It was at this point I knew the break up that was a bout to go down would be one of the worst in history. I was right.After 2 minutes of her having a bear grip around me I said “No….umm…what I meant was…I don’t think us dating is going to work anymore, I just don’t think we are right for each other”. To which..this girl laughed! She said, “quit joking around with me!” . I said, “No…I’m serious.”. It was then that she realized I was being serious and then went completely crazy, crying, screaming, throwing clothes broke a picture of us in a frame. She showed what she had bought for me for Christmas and then threw it against the wall. She literally screamed until she could not breathe. I finally just left and I drove about 90 to get home. We had dated for 2 months and really not even that seriously. I guess she had an idea built up in her head of us that no one else saw especially me.I was on I-20 heading back to Georgia the next day when I got a phone call from a number I had never seen before. It was her dad. Just great right? I was like here comes the shotgun. I better just drive up to Canada. “Mitch..I’m really disappointed you have broken up with my daughter we were looking forward to having you on our trip. From the way she talked I thought you two were really in love. Of course she had a tendency to rush things and manipulate people just like her mother”. It was at this point I realized this guy wasn’t going to hunt me down and kill me. So I said, “Sir..what do you mean? He replied, “Oh hell Mitch..I know my daughter’s crazy, she’s just like her mother. I could never figure out how to break it off and now I’ve been married for 23 years. A divorce now would bankrupt me. From now on as soon as you know it’s not going to work out, make a clean break. Don’t lead anyone on for sake of their feelings, just end it. Or you will end up like me.”That was some of the best advice I ever received. This dad and I still keep in touch through emails and apparently every guy his daughter dates she tries to be engaged to by the second month. She just hasn’t figured it out yet I guess. I hope he gives them the same advice that he gave me.I left a lot of exes out but I’m sure their stories will be told eventually. If offended anyone I’m sorry. I just call them like I see them.

the wedding blog

In a previous blog I wrote about the engagement of my cousin Luke and his fiance Drew Watkins. Since their engagement, their engagment video on youtube has received over 100,000 views. Pretty impressive. This last weekend Luke and Drew got married in middle Georgia in a beautiful outdoor wedding. Minus the million gnats buzzing around my face as I stood with other groomsmen watching them recite their vows. But for Luke and Drew, I can deal with gnats and the heat for thirty minutes.

On Thursday night I headed down to Warner Robbins, Ga to help Luke and his family get ready for the wedding stuff. While Luke was writing stuff for the wedding I wrote a quick joke email to a girl I'm walking down the aisle with in a few weeks. She knows me and knows my sense of humor. Well Luke being Luke sent it to the bridesmaid I was supposed to walk down with in his wedding. This girl and I had never met before. She had no clue who I was or what my sense of humor was like. From the letter I knew she would think I was a total Psycho......the letter is below:

Dear bridesmaid walking down the aisle with me,

Here are a few things you should take note of before walking with me on our friends wedding day.

1. Always start off with your left foot, I'm OCD and I absolutely hate starting with the right foot first. And in my opinion the left foot is always more attractive than the right.

2. Please bring some ritz crackers and a juice box for me while walking down the aisle. Sometimes excercise causes an increase in my appetite.

3. Don't breathe with your nose, I don't wear any deodorant because of the iron that it puts in your body.

4. Don't mention anything to do with Sesame Street. I was abducted by a man dressed like big bird when I was 4 years old and have never gotten over it.

5. If you choose to hum..please hum a song by the band "Toto"...if you hum Abba I will promptly tell everyone that you used to date the groom and still have feelings for him

6. Don't tell me who won the WNBA game, I'm an avid fan and will flip out if I find out the score before watching it on Tivo.

7. Don't get emotional and start talking about "The Notebook"...its not like it was "Smoky and the Bandit" or anything...

8. I graduated with an Associates Degree from Phoenix University Online..so....I'm kind of a big deal...people know me.....your quite lucky...

Look forward to celebrating this special day with you

Now After knowing Luke sent this, my heart went out to this girl and I feared the moment I met her..she was going to think I was absolutely insane and prob wouldn't even want to be in the wedding...then later that day I received and email..and at that point I knew that my wit had been matched for the first time in my life...Miss Brittany's reply is as follows....

To the groomsmen....Mitch

My name is Brittany and I am twenty-one. My son Ethan is 15 months old. I attend college majoring in nursing.

1) I am also OCD and I have to start walking with the right foot. So this might become a huge problem.

2)Will not have the pockets to place the ritz crackers and juice boxes for walking down the aisle.

3) In my purse will be a huge bottle of Axe..just in case I need it!

4) Well, my son's favorite show is Sesame Street. And by the way, Elmo is my idol.

5) Currently, I am practicing my lovely humming of ABBA. So be prepared!

6) No worries about the WNBA, I only watch NFL and MLB.

7) I'm not a fan of "The Notebook" and "Smoky and the Bandit" is one of my favorite movies!

8) I will try to make you look good, especially since you are so important!



Touche Brittany....Touche, Touche, Touche...

First off, I have greatly enjoyed all of the texts, phone calls, and even a few emails about the last blog. Most of them came from not exes but pissed off exes’ friends…we all know how that works..thanks girls. I don’t even know who this one girl named Rachel was, but the voicemail she left me would make a sailor’s language sound like the Queen’s English…oh yes, and miss Rachel.. “fixin” is not a word…Once again, sorry but I call them how I see them.

Over the past few weeks our neighborhood as been invaded by small rabbits, every night if you walk outside you can see two or three scatter in the backyard. This morning driving through the neighborhood I counted seven, yes seven, dead rabbits in the road that had been hit by cars last night after 4th of July activities. (Random thought..but “Dead Rabbits In The Road” would be an awesome name for a band). We had two dead rabbits near our house and I realized that no one was going to move them. I then decided to do the responsible adult thing and get rid of them myself, there are little kids that ride their bikes and play on that street all the time and I didn’t want them to get some disease from a dead rabbit.
So I grab my shovel and an industrial garbage bag, put on some gloves, and within about three minutes had both of those little guys in the trash bag. Then I had another problem, what do you do with two dead rabbits in a bag in suburban Atlanta? You cant throw them away..the garbage would smell like hell until they came and picked it up. There is really no place to burn them. So what I settled on was burying them in some woods behind our neighborhood. Don’t know if I’m allowed to do that or not, but I did, just trying to protect the kids. So I dug a hole, placed the bag in there, filled it up with dirt, and was about to walk off.
The four year old sensitive kid inside of me came out and I was like “well I guess I should say something”. But this posed a new question, “what the hell do you say at a rabbits funeral”. I mean really “Here’s to hopping on over to the other side?” or “hope there are carrots wherever you are”? Nothing really worked. Which made me think…what do rabbits really do? What is their purpose? I really don’t know if they have one but I gathered through later thought that most rabbits we know of are the subjects of children’s stories. So what kind of lives did these little guys have ( I named them Carl and Hank )? The two little guys in the 50 gallon Hefty bag buried back in the woods never got to realize that dreams . I really wonder what happened on their last day here on Earth?..this is what I came up with…
Carl and Hank were just two good ole rabbits enjoying the 4th of July at their friend Bubba’s burrough. They made their way there earlier that morning through the briar patch and a quick pit stop at Starbucks to pick up a carrot juice latte. Carl stopped at the gas station and picked up three bags of ice for the cooler and two cases of Pabst Orange Carrot. When they reached Bubba’s house they realized they were behind on the festivities. Because their Pabst Orange Carrot was not cold yet because it had just been put on ice. Bubba let them reach in his cooler and they shotgunned three cans of “lucky foot light” to catch up.
This continued for the rest of the day, sure they shot fireworks, played air guitar, whistled at the bunny tail hopping through the briar patch, but mainly these rabbits did what most do on the 4th of July. Later that night Carl and Hank decided to head home. Bubba said, “Man y’all have had way too much, y’all cant hop home.” But they decided to anyways and on North Lakeside Drive they played a deadly game of Frogger that didn’t end so well for them. An expedition with large tires took Carl out first, he was still talking when Hank got to him. Hank tried to tend to his wounds and call for help but a Corvette going 65 ended all those hopes and Carl and Hank were silenced. They were just trying to get home.

So we all learned a valuable lesson from them… Don’t drink and hop..or drive..it results in smelly rotting roadkill in front of my house.

"All my exes"

I have received a few messages and calls about wanting me to write a blog about exes, my exes in particular, so here it is.
How did I do this? well I listened to some of my friends tell their favorite stories about my experiences with girlfriends and made a list from that. Then I added my own and picked out a few that were entertaining but really not all that terrible. Some things just can’t be written on this blog. The really funny thing is that I KNOW that some of the girls I’m going to write about read this blog on a daily basis. The phone calls tomorrow should be pleasant.

There are many different kinds of exes, mostly for me there are ones I just don’t care to hear from ever again. Which is a funny thing. I recently heard someone say that it is very ironic that the person we want to be around the most, all the time at one point in our life is many times the person we eventually hate more than anyone else in the world. Sadly in many failed relationships this is the case. How many girls have I dated? How many exes do I really have? I honestly don’t know. I can however honestly say that I have only loved one girl in my life. This would be the “one that got away because you were a dumb kid in college” ex. This was the kind of girl that was just fun to be around, you could talk to hours on the phone, fun to go out with, fun to joke with, and she was even fun to fight with. I loved everything about her. But as mentioned before I was a very very dumb and immature kid in college and messed it all up. And I, not her I think, suffered the worst in the end because of my own dumb actions. If she ever reads this, you were right and I was wrong. I’m very sorry and you deserve a whole lot better. She’s probably the only person on this Earth I will ever say that to. I hear she is very happy now and I wish her all the best in life.
Now onto the other exes…most of them are straight up crazy and I would never want to talk to again. Unlike the ex mentioned before who I would love to one day be able to talk to on the phone just to see how she was. The rest, no way!
I still have a few girls, who I dated years ago, and I mean like 4 or 5 years ago, who I still get calls from and texts from asking why we didn’t work out and if we could give it another shot. After the period of a year if I haven’t answered a call or text, you should probably quit. Go get a life. These are your “persistent exes”. They never give up, they are like telemarketers except there is not a “no call” list you can be put on, it never ends. Many of us think that the cure for the “persistent ex” is to just date someone new, this works for a while but when that falls through you again get the sympathy calls from them. Like water behind a dam, if they find the tiniest crack or the smallest opening they’ll do whatever they can to get through to you. And if you answer the phone or respond to that text just once..and I mean once…you have opened the floodgates my friend and there is no way to restore that dam again.
A good rule of thumb, if a date doesn’t answer after two phone calls over the span of three days, they don’t want to hear from you. Sorry move on. Girls have done this to me, I don’t blame them, I do it all the time so I don’t judge. Just don’t answer. And if they don’t answer quit calling. The way to someone’s heart is not 15 calls and 20 texts before noon the morning after the first date asking why he hasn’t called yet. Yes, this really did happen. If she’s reading this…you really need help. Do you know what that does to us guys girls? It freaks us out, we head for the hills. We wont even think about asking another girl out for months.
One of my friend’s favorite stories involves the “embarrassing drunk” ex. Now this girl was a sweetheart who would really help out anyone at anytime, but…..she couldn’t handle alcohol to save her life. It was the fall of my junior year at Ole Miss and I was living in the Fraternity house. I had really started to like this girl, we had fun all of the time and she came from a good family. Then my parents and some of their friends came over for the Ole Miss v. UGA game. It was a night game and I believe she along with most people started drinking in The Grove at about 9 am. By 3 pm she was hammered. I had a lot of friends and family in town and I was busy talking to them when I overheard this girl say this to my mother “Yea..I had a lot to drink last night so I just stayed at the ATO house…but we didn’t do anything”. Which was true, she slept on the couch. Why she chose to share this information with my mother I will never know..anything other than that would have been better. As she said this I literally felt my soul leave me when I looked at my mother. My sweet little Kindergarten teaching, Sunday School leading mother. Her look to me was as if to say, “You’ve been reduced to this? This is the girl your so crazy about? Don’t even think of bringing her home to Thanksgiving”.
I honestly wish the story ended there that day, but it doesn’t. I didn’t get to enjoy the game because one of her friends passed out in the stadium and well I don’t think my date even knew where she was, I did a lot of babysitting. After the game she wanted to go back to the tent to say goodbye to my parents, I was like “ohhhh nooo.. you just sit here with your friends and we will talk later”. As much as I liked that girl, I couldn’t date her anymore after that event. She is now happily married and I wish her all the best.
If you have dated me recently and I cut it off quick and didn’t drag it out breaking up with you or stop speaking to you this next girl is the reason why. I call her the “wrong impression” ex. This girl and I had been dating for 2 months but to tell the truth it was over after three weeks. I just didn’t know how to tell her politely because she was so serious. She had me going to lunch with her grandmother and golfing with her dad, seemed like she was ready to walk down the aisle after a few weeks of dating me. Well the time came and it just couldn’t wait any longer, I timed it perfectly guys, right before Christmas break. It would be at least 3 weeks before I would have to see her and I could avoid phone calls for that long. So I went over to her apartment that Thursday night before leaving to go home for Christmas and told her “I just don’t think this is going to work”. Well, I didn’t get the response I was expecting. A big smile came over her face and she ran up and hugged me. I was thinking in my head this is the most awkward break up I have ever encountered.
Then she said “I don’t think this is going to work either, I haven’t for a long time! Being apart for three weeks just isn’t going to work, that’s why I got my dad to book you a spot on our week long cruise with the rest of my family”. It was at this point I knew the break up that was a bout to go down would be one of the worst in history. I was right.
After 2 minutes of her having a bear grip around me I said “No….umm…what I meant was…I don’t think us dating is going to work anymore, I just don’t think we are right for each other”. To which..this girl laughed! She said, “quit joking around with me!” . I said, “No…I’m serious.”. It was then that she realized I was being serious and then went completely crazy, crying, screaming, throwing clothes broke a picture of us in a frame. She showed what she had bought for me for Christmas and then threw it against the wall. She literally screamed until she could not breathe. I finally just left and I drove about 90 to get home. We had dated for 2 months and really not even that seriously. I guess she had an idea built up in her head of us that no one else saw especially me.
I was on I-20 heading back to Georgia the next day when I got a phone call from a number I had never seen before. It was her dad. Just great right? I was like here comes the shotgun. I better just drive up to Canada. “Mitch..I’m really disappointed you have broken up with my daughter we were looking forward to having you on our trip. From the way she talked I thought you two were really in love. Of course she had a tendency to rush things and manipulate people just like her mother”. It was at this point I realized this guy wasn’t going to hunt me down and kill me. So I said, “Sir..what do you mean? He replied, “Oh hell Mitch..I know my daughter’s crazy, she’s just like her mother. I could never figure out how to break it off and now I’ve been married for 23 years. A divorce now would bankrupt me. From now on as soon as you know it’s not going to work out, make a clean break. Don’t lead anyone on for sake of their feelings, just end it. Or you will end up like me.”
That was some of the best advice I ever received. This dad and I still keep in touch through emails and apparently every guy his daughter dates she tries to be engaged to by the second month. She just hasn’t figured it out yet I guess. I hope he gives them the same advice that he gave me.
I left a lot of exes out but I’m sure their stories will be told eventually. If offended anyone I’m sorry. I just call them like I see them.

After finding out how many people were reading this blog my first thought was, “maybe I should tone down what I write a little bit, I thought only my friends were reading this stuff I’ve been posting”. Well all of those thoughts ceased on Saturday. I was at the pool and somehow a few of us there started talking about the funniest movies we had seen recently, mine being “The Hangover”. Great quotes.. That’s how I rate a movie..by how much I quote it in weeks to come..If you saw it, I bet some of you thought it was sick…your WRONG..but I’ll get to that. Then this lady, probably in her mid thirties, started telling us about a movie she had recently seen. It involved a lot of famous comedians telling one joke. I will not state the name of the movie because you will do what I did and go straight to Blockbuster and rent it. The lady said she had never laughed so hard at a movie in her life, and that we would not be able to breathe while watching it.
Well me being be, I take a shower, get in the car, go to Blockbuster and rent this “movie”. Before I get into this let me preface my background, I have been to 9 bachelor parties, 3 Mardi Gras, Bourbon Street around 20 times, and Beale Street around 50 times. I lived in an all male dorm for a year where nastiness was the norm. I lived in a Fraternity House for a year where you could expect to see anything when you opened a closed door. What could be seen on the tvs in every room was illegal in most states I believe, and things said never had a filter. None of that, and I mean none of it, prepared me for this movie.
Within the first five minutes I literally gagged,and there were no graphics it was just words were doing this to me. What was said was so vile, so nasty, so unthinkable that even Charles Manson would have had to go read Ecclesiastes after hearing two minutes of it. Jeffry Dahmer would of cried for his nanny. Hannibal Lecter would of said “Hello Clarice..I think I’ll take the cyanide now and just end it.” I gave it time and more time, but I was not laughing…neither was the person watching it with me. After 20 minutes with our jaws on the floor and trying not to puke, he looked at me and said “do you really want to watch this?”. To which I replied “Hell no. I think we should burn this so that no one at the store ever has to be put through what we just went through”. I returned the movie and seriously considered seeing an exorcist about what I had seen. I also vowed to try and drown the lady who told me to rent it the next time I saw her. If she really found that funny, she needs to be shot..repeatedly..
It made me start to wonder what makes something funny? For me I think it is the unexpected, like in movies like Borat and Jackass. The unexpected is funny until it is so unexpected it just freaks you out. Like the movie in question. A guy slipping and falling…. funny..That guy being paralyzed from the fall..not funny.. A fart joke..funny…talking about a bowel movement in detail for 10 minutes..not funny..in fact disgusting. I think its great when people are funny, and I like for people to push limits. However, I refuse to respect entertainment, if you can call it that, to which its only asset is shock value. It won’t last.