A BOY AND HIS TRUCK

A Boy and His Truck


Tonight I almost traded in my 4Runner which I’ve had for 6 years for a car with better gas mileage to combat Atlanta traffic on a daily basis. In the past few weeks I have test driven a variety of cars and tonight the salesmen almost had me sold on an Acura TL. Then they came in with the trade in value for the 4Runner which was much less than I expected and it was all because of dents and dings on the exterior. As the salesmen pointed to each one I realized that each one had a story.

Salesmen: “Well how did you get this one?

Me: “Well I lived next to a golf course my sophomore year of college and that one is the result o someone’s bad hook off of the 7th tee.”

Salesmen: “And how about this one here?”

Me: “Well that one was from Lake Sardis outside of Oxford, Ms. I must have gotten this 4runner stuck in the mud and sand there 100 times. There is probably still sand from Sardis inside come think of it. We were playing a football game out there one spring afternoon and one hefty fraternity brother tackled another hefty fraternity brother right into my 4Runner and that’s where the dent comes from. I believe my buddy’s head is undentable.”

Salesmen: “What about the stain on the front passenger seat?”

Me: “Well that’s a coffee stain”…

Well…That’s what I told the salesmen but there is more to it than that. That coffee was spilled one morning in the spring of 2007. It was spilled in one of the few times in my life I had ever been nervous. I was dating a girl, who happened to be the first love of my life, and it was the morning her family was in town and it was the first time I would meet her dad. I was living in the fraternity house at the time and grabbed some coffee as I headed out the door, hopped into my 4Runner and began to make my way over to Sorority Row, which was a minute-and-a-half drive max. Well in that minute in a half I answered a call from the girl and because I was nervous I spilled coffee everywhere. Not just on the passenger seat but all over me, my khaki pants, my white polo shirt, and the console of the 4Runner. I then had to drive back to the fraternity house, change clothes, try to clean my car and then head over again. It was the only time in the ENTIRE time we dated I was ever late. She on the other hand, along with every girl I dated before her and every date I ever had after was late every single time. When I got over to her sorority house I had to insist that she drive..which she never did because my 4Runner still wreaked of coffee and was still wet all over.

That made me think, that car was also the place where we had our first kiss. There’s also a dent in the side for the 4Runner from my right fist the night we broke up for good.

Salesmen: “What’s the stain in the very back of the car?”

Me: “Uhh…another spill.”

Again not entirely true….One night in the fraternity house we were all having a great time at a band party. Until…some idiot pulled a fire alarm. Security from the party made everyone leave the house. Before they did however, a few buddies of mine and myself grabbed a few bottles of bourbon from the party and of course…our dates. We all then went and sat in my 4Runner. I DID NOT DRIVE!! I did not even turn the car on so don’t go there. I have never driven drunk and never will. We did however sit in the 4Runner for about an hour that night drinking bourbon and continuing the party well on after it ended. Until a drunk girl in the back, let me rephrase..VERY drunk girl in the back broke that bottle of bourbon somehow and it’s spilled everywhere. My 4Runner smelled like a shot of Makers Mark for the next 3 months.

Driving home from the dealership tonight I decided that I wouldn’t trade in my 4Runner. Sure I’ll be buying another car but it will be with a larger down payment and no trade in. If worse comes to worse the 4Runner can stay at our Mountain house in NC and be used as a hunting/fishing car. I’ll damn sure take the collision off of the insurance now that I know what it is truly worth but I’m keeping it all the same. I have too many memories and too much history with that dinged up metal beast to ever trade it in or let someone else own it. I caused a lot of the dings and dents sure but that truck has also been there for the dings and dents in my life. Whether it was a bad break up with a first love, realizing you were going to make a C in a class, getting hailed on while driving back from Chicago after driving to see a buddy run a marathon. It was there through it all.

I’m a boy and I love my damn truck.

I'm a smartass..sorry?

Many times people wonder how to make up a joke or tell a funny story. The truth is you really never have to make anything up. Real life is crazier and funnier than anything any of us can come up with in our heads. I’m a smartass by nature, and sometimes I don’t really intend for things to be funny but others around me definitely see them that way.

For example: last week it was 7am and I was at the dry cleaners. I had been going to this cleaners for a few months but had never noticed the name. How often does a dry cleaners go by something different than “Dry Cleaning”? Anyways, the name of my Dry Cleaners is “Personal Touch Cleaners” and if you don’t believe me it’s located on Powers Ferry Rd in Atlanta next to a Jersey Mikes and a Caribou Coffee. Realizing this and being the smartass that I am I told the nice lady who works there, who speaks very broken English, that “I would prefer more of a commercial touch this time. I’m not really a personal touch kind of guy with strangers”. The lady had the most confused look on her face and really had no idea what I had said. I was just being myself trying to make the lady laugh. She didn’t…at all. However, the two people behind me, a 40 yr old man and a lady probably in her thirties, were dying. You would have thought I had said the funniest thing on Earth. The lady then proceeded to tell me she was having an awful day and that I had put her in the best mood. So I don’t feel too bad about my smartass comment.

Another funny thing happened this weekend, I woke up on Saturday and headed to Starbucks of course. I threw on some jeans, my Patagonia fleece and a hat. The hat said “Ole Miss” and below that “Alumni”. A lady in line asked me “Are you an Ole Miss Alumni?”…Now normally I would have said “yes” and said “Hotty Toddy” hoping that they were an Ole Miss grad as well. But this lady was wearing an LSU shirt. If you know anything about Ole Miss you know that we don’t get along with LSU fans. I despise them. In Mississippi every time the National Anthem is played it ends with “GO TO HELL LSU!!!”. This being the case I decided to once again be a smartass. In response to her question I simply with the most serious face I could make, “No I got this hat at Goodwill.” The lady feeling bad said “oh…you looked like an Ole Miss grad” to which I replied, “Nope, I buy all my clothes at Goodwill”. She responded with, “yea you can get some great deals there”. I said, “Yea! Especially the underwear! I buy all my underwear at Goodwill. You can get 5 pairs for a dollar!”..She then got a little angry and said “You don’t really buy used underwear that other people have worn..that is disgusting!”. I responded, “Ma’am I would rather wear underwear worn by 50 people and never washed than to ever under any circumstances wear an LSU shirt!” Everyone behind us in line died laughing. The lady walked out without her coffee. Normally I’d feel bad but it was an LSU fan and they asked a dumbass question to the wrong smartass Ole Miss grad

Craziest Dream of All Time

I normally never remember my dreams. In fact, sometimes I think I don’t dream at all. However, a few weeks ago I had the craziest dream of my life. I don’t know if I ate some weird chili before going to bed or if someone slipped me drugs that night but when I woke up the next morning the only thing I could say was “WHAT THE HELL?” That was really the only thing I could say. Never in a million years could someone write the dream that I had. After telling this to some of my friends they told me that I should add it to my blog. So hear it is.

Craziest Dream of All Time

The dream started out in an office. Apparently I was some kind of Engineer and there were blueprints everywhere, on the desk, on the floors, on the walls, even the ceiling. I was sitting at a desk with a hard hat on it looking at blue prints and drinking coffee when someone ran in the door screaming at me.

Other Person: “What have you done??!! How could you be so dumb?”

Me: “What in the world are you talking about?”

Other Person: “The new rollercoaster you designed! You made the height limit 48 inches! We are in OZ! The majority of the population are munchkins! None of them are tall enough to ride the roller coaster! They’ve seen all of the advertisements for weeks now and about 300 have been waiting in line to ride it all day and none of them are tall enough to do so! They are major PISSED!”

Me: “What? No one told me what height to make the seats. Aren’t their other people here that can ride it?”

Other Person: “Nope. I’d get out of here if I was you. There is a mob of munchkins on there way over here and they want your ass friend!”

Sure enough when I looked out the window in my dream I saw a mob of munchkins with pitchforks and torches making their way towards me. They were all dressed just like in the movie. There was no Dorothy, no Scarecrow, no Tin Man, no Witch, not even the Wizard just a bunch of three foot tall humans royally pissed off.

It was at this point in the dream that I started running, running hard as hell, and down the yellow brick road of course. There was no lolliop guild welcoming me to munchkin land, all of the sudden the munchkins had muskets and were firing at me as I ran. Why the didn’t have other guns I don’t know they just had muskets.

Finally I woke up in a sweat and after a few minutes said “WHAT THE HELL?”. It was by far the weirdest dream of all time. If there are any dream-interpreters out there that can tell me what this means please do so. I can never watch the Wizard of Oz again.

MY FUNERAL

My Funeral

Recently I heard that you only get to have 2 things in your life exactly the way you want them: wedding and funeral.

Seeing as how I date bossy girls I know that I will have no control over my wedding whatsoever at all. However, I am going to have my funeral exactly the way I want it.

You may think this is weird but funerals are a big deal in the Goddard family. A few months ago my cousin John became a 6th generation funeral director. The Goddard family owned Goddard Funeral Home in the metropolis of Reynolds, GA up until the early 1990s.

When all of you arrive at my funeral you will all be handed a free ice cold Coca-Cola for your enjoyment. I love a coke more than any other beverage on earth and being from Georgia there really isn’t any other soft drink out there. If you drink a pepsi the day of my funeral I will probably roll over in my grave.

There will also be boiled peanuts everywhere you look at my funeral for your enjoyment. I have been deathly allergic to peanuts my entire life and family or friends have never been able to eat them around me. At my funeral, EAT UP! I’m dead so I want everyone to eat a million peanuts. Even throw them in my casket at that point I don’t care!

Instead of a preacher getting up there consoling people crying about death I want all of my friends, fraternity brothers, and some family to take a few minutes go up there and roast me. I want them all to tell an extremely embarrassing/funny memory about me. Tell awful things that’s no one knows that will make elderly people blush. I’ll be dead so I’m not too worried about being embarrassed.

If it’s summertime when I die please feel free to wear shorts and a t-shirt. I hate wearing a suit when its hot so I don’t expect anyone else to.

As you leave my funeral please feel free to enjoy some good food. Zaxby’s, KFC, Philly Connection, Gallas Pizza, Taylor Grocery (catfish), and Handy Andys (burgers) will all be catering. There will also be a cash bar (which will go towards paying for my funeral), dance floor, and live music. That’s the way I would have wanted to go out drunk dancing to Don’t Stop Believing, playing an air piano to Superstion, singing every word to C’mon Ride this train, dancing with a smoking hot girl to Dixieland Delight, swing dancing to Brown Eyed Girl, and towards the end of the night busting my chin wide open trying to do the worm. That’s how I want to go out people.

My headstone will read:

Mitchell Chandler Goddard

1985 – TBD
“Been here, now gone. Had a good time.”

“ Hotty Toddy!! GO TO HELL LSU!!!”



Won’t see y’all there so have a great time!!

Mitchisms

It has been quite sometime since I have written a blog for “Life’s a Mitch Ain’t it?". Recently I have had people request I write one about my “Mitch sayings”. I tend to use unique phrases to express things that most have never said before. I am going to list a few on the blog as well as explain how and where they should be used.

That guy is “about as cool as finding out you have aids on your birthday”.

“As cool as finding out you have aids on your birthday” came from my Fraternity days, particularly Rush. It was something I would write on the boards about a kid that had literally no chance of getting in the fraternity at Ole Miss. It was comic relief for bid sessions that lasted past 3 am sometimes. I now use it on a daily basis for situations such as: spilling coffee on your shirt, traffic, Mondays, and assholes. All of those things are about as cool as finding out you have aids on your birthday.

That girl is so ugly, she’d “scare a buzzard off a gut truck”.

This came from me scoping out girls in college. If one was really really ugly I would use this phrase. Buzzards prey on dead beings and love to eat guts. A gut truck would be a literal heaven for a buzzard, so if they were scared off of one it would have to be something really bad. I now use this phrase to describe people’s breath in the morning, meetings, the though of seeing Twilight, and being a vegetarian They would all scare a buzzard off a gut truck.

I used to say “that’s what she said 20 times a day”. After five or so years it has grown old, so now when someone says, “Mitch, it’s a pleasure to work with you” I respond with “That’s what you said last night”. It’s a lot of fun and gets me through the day. You can also say, “that’s not what you said last night” if someone says “you’re just not working fast enough”.

When someone says “Mitch you really embarrassed me back there” I tend to respond with “I feel as bad as a 5 year old that crapped his pants on a playground”. I use this phrase to show embarrassment or to apologize for a mistake. At five years old that is the biggest mistake you can possibly make and the worst place to do it. I now use it in apologies.

The Tantrum

The Tantrum

One of my favorite things to do is to watch people in public places. I wish that they had a bench at the end of every grocery store isle so I could just sit and watch the people as they. It is by far the best entertainment in the greater Atlanta area.

Today I was in my local Kroger and I saw a tantrum by a 3 yr old boy that puts every tantrum I ever performed as a child to utter shame. I don’t know what his mother wouldn’t let him put in the cart but needless to say this kid was pissed off beyond belief. Apparently his parents didn’t use good language around him because he sounded like he lived in fraternity house sending expletives flying down the cereal isle for Captain Crunch and Dig ‘Ems inncocent ears to hear. He then proceeded to do the classic “lay on the ground and kick my legs in the air and scream at the top of my lungs” routine. However, his mother fought this with the classic “walk over your child, continue shopping and ignore them” routine. This tactic normally works but this kid had a new strategy up his sleave, he stood up and started throwing boxes of cereal on the ground and then jumping on them. The boxes weree mainly off of the first shelf because that is the only shelf he should reach. He was a considerate kid and threw the bad cereals such as “Total” and “Life” on the ground first. Store managers are smart and put the better cereals such as “Captain Crunch”, “Smacks”, “Lucky Charms”, “Fruit Loops”, and “Cinnamon Toast Crunch” on higher shelves so that these crown jewels of the breakfast world are kept safe. The mother then rushed and picked the son up left her cart and stormed out of the isle. I quickly followed to catch the end of the this epic tantrum. I thought the kid was about to get a beating right in front of the check out isle, but he had a trick up his sleave that I never used as a child. As his mother was setting him down to start the beating this kid threw up all over the place…including all over his mother. It was with this that everyone dispersed because the smell was quite terrible. I don’t exactly know what happened after that but I do know one thing…it will be a very very long time before I have kids.

Bucket List

Bucket List

Things to do before I die..

1. Go back to Oxford and the Grove for every football game that I can for the rest of my life.
2. Read War and Peace
3. Date a normal girl
4. Go to the baseball Hall of Fame
5. Play St. Andrews in Scotland
6. Go under the sea in a submarine
7. Fly fish in Jackson Hole
8. Rock Climb and Mtn bike in Utah
9. Learn to play stairway to heaven on the guitar
10. See a penguin in the wild
11. Eat every meal for a week at The Varisty
12. Write a novel
13. Go on a Safari in Africa
14. Grow a beard
15. Hike the Appalachian trail
16. Sing “C’mon Ride This Train” in Karaoke
17. Eat as many crawfish as I possibly can every spring
18. Spend more time at the Mtn house in NC
19. Eat an entire bucket of KFC fried chicken in one sitting
20. Fly somewhere for a day and then fly back
21. Go to Fenway Park
22. Take a homeless person or a person in need out for a really nice dinner.
23. Give a random kid a $100 bill
24. Try a Chicago style pizza
25. Go to Philadelphia to eat a Cheesesteak
26. Meet Norman H. Schwarzkopf
27. Go back and tell off all of my professors that treated their students like crap
28. See a football game at every SEC school
29. Catch a Marlin
30. Learn to fly
31. Be a dad (one day, not soon)
32. Throw an entire bucket of popcorn behind me in a movie theatre on whoever and act like I don’t know what they are talking about.
33. Bobsled
34. Train a hunting dog
35. Learn to cook Lobster
36. Learn to smoke ribs
37. Watch an episode of the Jerffersons, Ive never seen one
38. Build a boat and sail it
39. Take a girl to Waffle House for a date…just to see if shes stuck up
40. Drive a Ferrari
41. Have a jar of just red jolly ranchers (the best)
42. Order sweet tea with just about every meal
43. Eat Catfish at Taylor Grocery in Taylor, Ms at least 5 times a year
44. Own a hibachi grill in my home and learn to cook like those guys
45. Play an entire round of golf with lefty clubs
46. Buy a stranger a coke when they are obviously in a bad mood
47. Contribute to the Make a Wish Foundation
48. Visit St. Jude at least once a year so that I never complain about my life